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***Editor’s Note: This article was published as part of the satirical April 1, 2015 Dear SHEs, What is a “sex,” and where do I get one? xoxo Clitorally Clueless Hi Clueless, According to reproductive health expert and so- cialite Jessica Simpson, “Sex is when a man pees on a woman.” Although “sexual” foreplay can take

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College athletic department announces reclassification to Division I

***Editor’s Note: This article was published as part of the satirical April 1, 2015 After several dominant performances this year by Blue varsity teams, including five Seven Sisters Championships earned by volleyball, tennis, crew, cross country and swimming and diving, the Wellesley College Athletic Department announced on Tuesday, Mar. 31 during their annual nationally televised

Athlete of the Week: Mindy Midterm ’18

***Editor’s Note: This article was published as part of the satirical April 1, 2015 Mindy Midterm is a first-year member of the Wellesley College study team. She started studying in preschool, but just began competing with the Blue this fall. She balances her pre-med coursework with a prospective double major in economics and biochemistry, and,

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Why working out is the worst thing you can do

***Editor’s Note: This article was published as part of the satirical April 1, 2015 Rewind one week back to spring break. If you weren’t somewhere warm, you were fantasizing about it, and all that imagination led to some pretty ambitious post-spring break resolutions. You realized that you have five weeks to fix your grades, five

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Student surprised when she and hookup actually watch Netflix

***Editor’s Note: This article was published as part of the satirical April 1, 2015 Local Wellesley student Caroline Lyons ’18 was recently invited to MIT student Ben White’s dorm room to watch House of Cards season two and was surprised when they actually watched it. Lyons and Woods recently began a personal relationship after connecting

Wellesley lifestyle inspires fresh, hip spring fashions

***Editor’s Note: This article was published as part of the satirical April 1, 2015 With the spring season fast approaching, Wellesley students have been slowly emerging from that one corner of their bed and wondering what to wear now that it’s sunny. While many students actually forgot what the sun looked like, others have been

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Student pushes for new male speech therapy program

***Editor’s Note: This article was published as part of the satirical April 1, 2015 issue Aya Takalat ’16 has a plan to bring male voices to campus, but not in a social or political capacity. Instead, she enthusiastically pitched an idea for a new program at Wellesley that would bring men with amazing speaking voices to Wellesley for the

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Davis surprises college with return of Sleepwalker

***Editor’s Note: This article was published as part of the satirical April 1, 2015 The Davis Museum recently announced that shortly following spring break, Tony Matelli’s famed sculpture “Sleepwalker” will be reinstalled on the Wellesley College campus. The move to reinstall “Sleepwalker” follows a long stream of student requests to bring back the sculpture: students

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