Students all over campus are reportedly recovering from last Wednesday afternoon when, after election results were confirmed, political campaigns everywhere broke up with student campaign interns and volunteers via email.
Most emails read, “We’ve done it!” while others simply said, “Thank you for your time.”
For most students, this is their biggest heartbreak yet.
“My mother warned me I’d face heartbreak in college,” said Taylor Tae ’16, a former Wellelsey for Warren volunteer. “But I didn’t know it would hurt this much. I registered so many voters in the state of Massachusetts for this campaign! I risked taking votes against gay marriage in other states… for them! I centered my life around them, and now they’re gone! I was going to major in political science for them, but not anymore.”
Other students agreed with Tae, citing hurt feelings and injured pride.
“It’s like dating a drug addict who breaks up with you right after he successfully completes the rehab that you paid for, except worse,” said Anna Arn ’14, a former intern for Elizabeth Warren’s campaign and member of Wellesley for Warren. “You’re like, ‘but I did so much for you. I helped you so much!’ And they’re just like, ‘that’s great and all, but I’m going to go to Senate now. Bye!’”
“I’m not bitter,” Arn added before she walked away, mumbling, “If I’d known the Warren Campaign was going to dump me, I would’ve voted for Scott Brown.”
Scott Brown campaign supporters had no better luck. “I thought that because he lost, he’d keep me by his side as a loyal intern,” said Emily Emil ’13, a Wellesley Republicans executive board member and former Scott Brown campaign intern. “But all I got was an email thanking me for my support and one last opportunity to get a ‘Scott Brown for Women’ t-shirt’ for free.” Guiltily, she added, “I caved and got the shirt. I’ve been wearing it to sleep all week. This isn’t healthy, but I don’t care!”
The break-ups aren’t quite such terrible news for everyone. Sources confirmed Tuesday that for the first time since Remix, Wellesley for Obama members and Romney campaign interns are truly getting along. “We all hang out, cry and eat ice cream together while watching ‘Legally Blonde,’” said Lainey Lane ’14, who headed Wellesley for Obama.
Lane confirmed that the spontaneous fires occurring in the woods at night are in fact burning ceremonies of posters for the groups’ respective candidates.
“The worse part?” confided Lane. “He didn’t even call.”
“It’s a process,” added Romney campaign intern and economics major Julie Jules ’13. “But we’ll recover. We refuse to rebound. We know we’re going to heal in time for the Palin/Clinton 2016 race.”