THE ARTICHOKE: Student vows to revolutionize study habits for finals week


Staff Columnist

Citing newfound inspiration from receiving her midterm exams and essay grades, Katarina Katar ’15 has vowed to change her study habits.

“I know I say this every month, but December 2013 is when I’ll really get it together. These last few weeks will change my life,” said the English major, who reportedly used all of Thanksgiving break to watch six seasons of “The L Word.”

Katar first plans to change her sleeping schedule as part of her newfound dedication to schoolwork. Although she has woken up at noon every day since September, Katar says she plans to go to bed at midnight and wake up at 4 a.m. to study every single day until the last day of finals.

“I have never done anything like that in my life before, but coffee is magical. And I can do anything, right?” Katar said.

She also plans to start attending professor’s office hours and schedule weekly appointments with each of her professors, who will be particularly busy with grading and recommendations for the two weeks before school ends.

When asked to comment, every single one of her professors replied, “Katarina Katar? She sent me an email about missing an appointment in September because she couldn’t find my office. That’s the Katarina we’re talking about, right?”

Katar reportedly had intentions on Monday to go to the library, but she was spotted taking a three hour nap in the Anderson Forum. “I am genuinely trying!” insisted the 20-year-old who was, in fact, not genuinely trying. “I went to the bookstore to buy my psychology textbook so I wouldn’t have to wait on a patient classmate’s schedule to borrow the book. But I went at 10 p.m. Turns out it closes at 4 p.m. Who knew?”

The supposedly determined student has yet to lose hope. She recently acquired a new planner, set of dividers and flash cards, all of which she has yet to use.

“Organization is key,” she said. “If that’s the first step, I’m well on my way.”

Sources confirmed that Katar made a huge show of “finally cracking down and studying” in the Stone-Davis common room at 8 p.m. yesterday evening. Her empty, hollow words echoed throughout the entire building.

“She planted herself there for six hours, just like she said she would,” said her resident advisor Margie Marge ’16. “She told everyone who passed that she was finally ready to work hard, but she was on Facebook the entire time. That was not the first time this happened. I don’t know if she’ll ever change.”

Katar recounts the evening differently. “It was an off night. It happens. I did a really good job of being prepared though. I brought lots of snacks from the Lulu so I could take plenty of food breaks. For some reason, I still did not feel energized enough. But I will change. I can turn my C’s to A’s during finals period. I promise you,” she said.

At press time, Katar was found in the Multifaith Center, absentmindedly staring off into space and making paper snowflakes with her flash cards.

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