Sources confirmed Tuesday that Her Royal Highness Hillary Clinton has sent out an official decree telling the world, once and for all, what she would do. Students have taken the biggest hit in this development, as most of their clothing and belongings in general have the once-immortal words, “What Would Hillary Do?” written somewhere on them. Now that the answers to this question have materialized, half their belongings have become irrelevant.
“It was such an important question,” stated economics and environmental studies double major and self-proclaimed hipster-trendsetter Monica Monnic ’15. “But now that we know the answer it is less important and actually embarrassing because Her Royal Highness Hillary Clinton did not make the world instantly better with her magical words. She’s human, and it’s weird. So it’s kind of embarrassing to have all this stuff now. We’ve gotta throw it out.”
Maintenance reports that campus dumpsters are now 60 percent filled with “What Would Hillary Do?” objects. Items include sweatshirts, shot glasses and even custom-printed thongs.
“These kids have really got everything. You might call it an obsession, but you won’t because that would probably upset them,” commented custodial service employee John Johnson.
The disposal of all these items presents environmental problems. Students have been trying to sell the objects to other students with no avail, so they are obligated to throw them out.
“It’s really a problem,” said Monnic. “Her Royal Highness Hillary Clinton stands for democracy and all things good. And now we’re killing the Earth because of her. Well, that’s problematic.”
Even those who do not own items with the question she answered have been negatively affected by her answer. A lot of students are experiencing emotional distress due to this event.
“I used to wake up every morning and ask myself what Hillary would do. That’s what motivated me to all of the 5,000 things that I do. And now that I know what she would do, it’s not exciting anymore. I have no motivation,” said College Government member and international relations major Andi And ’15. “Did you make sure to tell readers how busy I am?”
Her Royal Highness Hillary Clinton’s announcement has had greater implications for the student body’s train of thought. Perhaps it is the almost collective realization that Hillary Clinton is human.
“Whenever people don’t recognize the prestige of my school right away, my ego drops to the floor. So I throw Hillary Clinton’s name in their unworthy faces and feel instantly better about myself,” shared Monnic.
Monnic is frequently overheard bragging in Pendleton Hall about the research she does with her economics professor who allegedly “worked with Mankiw in the early 1900s.” And she shared that she was in the same boat.
“It’s weird now. Suddenly the claim has less power,” Monnic continued. Upon hearing the suggestion that they should brag less, as human interaction is more fulfilling that way, Monnic and And walked away.