The College announced Tuesday that Aya Ayye ’15 has finally won everything that she could possibly win as an undergraduate student.
The neuroscience and political science double major, who is also pre-med with three other unofficial majors, has won 243 awards in every single department at Wellesley, MIT and the outside world. She has won an additional 423 awards for winning so many awards. Ayye told reporters her GPA twelve separate times yet asked eleven times that it go unreported.
“I don’t want the competition to retaliate,” she said. “I mean I don’t want the Wellesley students to feel bad about themselves.”
Ayye has reportedly set several unofficial records in her time at Wellesley that, according to her, “no other student will ever come close to.” She reports 300 internship offers total during her first three years and 150 job offers midway through her senior year, protesting against the statistical unlikelihood of these claims.
“It is competitive, and I’m winning,” she explained.
When asked to comment on her self-reported achievements, several of her professors were too stunned by all her claims to produce coherent sentences. Only one professor managed a response.
“I guess… I guess she’s won,” professor Fran Frann of the English department uttered, shaking her head. She shook her head during the entirety of the interview. When it was over, she walked away muttering, “These kids, these kids, these kids…”
Ayye keeps a tally of everything she does compared to other students in a notebook. She has gone through nine notebooks since her first year. The notebooks keep track of how many times she raises her hands compared to other students, how little she has slept compared to other students, how many times she has held her bladder in class compared to other students, how many pages of notes she takes compared to other students, and in some classes, how few notes she has taken compared to other students.
Her areas of competition go beyond the classroom. During her first and sophomore years, she kept a tally of boyfriends — four from Harvard and five from MIT — and the amount of love in each relationship. A relationship with Harvard student Matthew Math ’15 scored a record-high of 200 love points on a scale of 1-175 points.
Her senior year notebooks are filled with networking tallies. She is currently at 86 compared to her peers on a scale of 1-90. An anonymous source has confirmed that all three of Ayye’s undisclosed unofficial majors are statistics.
Ayye has gone through these tallies, cross-referenced and concluded that she has won. When asked for her motivation behind her actions, she replied smugly, “Training. After all, I am a woman who will.”