***Editor’s Note: This article was published as part of the satirical April 1, 2015
Dear SHEs,
What is a “sex,” and where do I get one? xoxo
Clitorally Clueless
Hi Clueless,
According to reproductive health expert and so- cialite Jessica Simpson, “Sex is when a man pees on a woman.” Although “sexual” foreplay can take many forms —penetration, stroking, heavy-pet- ting, ordering Doritos Locos Tacos at Taco Bell —be assured that true urinary “sex” can only occur between a cis man and a cis woman.
“Sex” can be procured in a variety of fora — public restrooms, your residence hall’s shower (the two feet per shower rule is more of a challenge than the rule of law), or even the back of your mom’s minivan! The possibilities are legion; however, it is crucial that sexual practitioners address various and sundry safety concerns prior to participation.
First, it is of the utmost importance that all par- ties considering the option of “doing it” have properly consented to participate in sexual relations. In order to properly solicit consent, one must first submit a 12 page application for permission to the desired partner’s parents three years in advance of any “sexual” activity. Upon receiving the parental blessing, the requesting party must file a notarized affidavit with the “authorities.” (We have yet to find out who these “authorities” are, but will get back to you at a later date). Following the filing of the affidavit, the requesting party should prepare for the logistical aspects of “it” by marathoning every instructional video Pam Stenzel has ever released. My personal favorite: “The High Cost of Free Love.” They might be long, boring, and a little uncomfortable, but trust that preparation makes perfection: Your first time must be flawless!
If you still want to “do it” after the aforementioned rigamarole, you’ll probably be too exhaust- ed to have much of a conversation with your partner. Instead, try lying on the floor while covered in homemade sushi — à la Samantha Jones in “Sex and the City” — until your partner arrives home from work. They will undoubtedly be too over- whelmed with desire to think of any response other than “yes.”
Once you’ve received consent to “do it,” it is equally important that each party takes heavy precautions to prevent any body parts from coming into direct contact with those of the other person. We suggest full-body Saran wrap cocoons, complemented by a heavy slathering of Nutella lube. If you wear enough of both, it will almost feel like you’re touching a real person! Still feeling nervous? Try ingesting some Flaming Hot Cheetos prior to engaging in coitus — they really take the edge off, and will infuse your breath with a truly smoldering aroma.