Reports written in conjunction with Campus Police and the anthropology ancient Neanderthal was excavated from the Remix Dance Floor at 11pm on Friday. The press release claims that the Neanderthal is at least 32 years old.
Discovered facedown and confused behind the port-a-potties, the Neanderthal was wearing only a loincloth made from a flannel shirt. He was carefully lifted onto a stretcher and taken to a research room in Pendleton, where he has since undergone diagnostics and behavioral monitoring.
Wellesley News representatives on-site at Remix were able to interview the group of mildly inebriated Classical Civilizations and Anthropology majors, his primitive behavior immediately.
“It was honestly such a treasure to speak to him on-site,” said Callie Halverson, ‘16, a Classical Civilizations and Anthropology double major. Adjusting her bra strap and wiping smeared lipstick from her chin, Halverson continued, “It’s just—you know—you see how much human brain development has excelled over the course of these few years.”
Halverson admitted it was odd that the only known surviving Neanderthal would show up at Remix.
“I thought he might just be a modern man in his thirties who was weird enough to come to Remix, but how could anyone reasonably be that [expletive] weird?”
“You can tell that he’s lost,” Halverson continued. “He looks like his priorities are spearing mammoths, not the civilized and respectful behavior we expect from people today.” Halverson is still nursing a mammoth headache and has yet to provide further comment post-Remix.
During intensive research conducted over the excruciatingly loud construction noise from Pendleton, professors and student researchers in the anthropology department reached several game- changing conclusions.
After days of rigorous interviews and carbon dating, researchers concluded that the Neanderthal is aged anywhere from 32 to 34 years old, and resided in the Porter Square area until migrating to Remix. Several items were found on his person upon excavation, the most intriguing of which was a surprisingly well-preserved Boston University (BU) ID card that expired in 2001. The BU ID identified the Neanderthal as “Brad.”
Prior to passing out at Remix, Brad was breathing heavily on first-years, an ancient mating ritual predating the wheel. In a post-wheel world, Brad’s behavior was reported as unseemly and somewhat disconcerting.
Although the discovery of a living Neanderthal is invaluable for the scientific community, not without controversy. The Wellesley News interviewed anthropology Professor John Brettin, who was more than happy to weigh in on the issue.
“We’ve had a few people imply that this could just be an extraordinarily drunk, stupid, cisgender male from Boston,” Professor Brettin admitted.
“But look at him,” the Professor said, gesturing to Brad, asleep and drooling in his monitoring chamber. “He doesn’t look like he’s ever seen most modern conveniences in his life. Toothpaste? Deodorant? A razor? This is truly a man of ancient times. I really do believe that.”
Professor Brettin explained that Brad has to be from a migrant hunter-gatherer clan, as indicated by his willingness to come all the way to Porter Square for some stale pizza and the promise of a mate. “Yeah, this guy is a hunter,”