facebook icon facebook icon facebook icon
  • About
  • ADS
  • Masthead
    • Editorial Board
  • Submission
  • Subscribe
The Wellesley News -
  • News
    • Contract ratified by Wellesley’s Maintenance and Service Employees Union
      Contract ratified by Wellesley’s Maintenance and Service Employees Union
    • News in Brief
      News in Brief
    • Wellesley adapts to end of race conscious admissions
      Wellesley adapts to end of race conscious admissions
    • Senate Report
    • News in Brief
  • Features
    • Professor Spotlight: Dr. Faisal Ahmed
      Professor Spotlight: Dr. Faisal Ahmed
    • Spotlight: New Professor Kathryn Winner
      Spotlight: New Professor Kathryn Winner
    • Spotlight: New Professor Lucia Nhamo ’11
      Spotlight: New Professor Lucia Nhamo ’11
    • Humans of Wellesley
    • Archives
  • Opinions
    • France’s Abaya Ban Unveils Its Own Misogyny
      France’s Abaya Ban Unveils Its Own Misogyny
    • Editorial: In defense of affirmative action
      Editorial: In defense of affirmative action
    • I am an NCAA champion: we should end college recruiting
      I am an NCAA champion: we should end college recruiting
    • Editorials
    • Letters to Editors
  • Arts
    • The SAG-AFTRA and WGA Strikes: What’s happening in Hollywood?
      The SAG-AFTRA and WGA Strikes: What’s happening in Hollywood?
    • Digging into Hozier’s Unreal Unearth: “De Selby (Part 1)” and the Population of Loss
      Digging into Hozier’s Unreal Unearth: “De Selby (Part 1)” and the Population of Loss
    • Summer Releases to Help Usher in Fall
      Summer Releases to Help Usher in Fall
  • Sports
    • Gauff and Richardson Shatter Expectations
      Gauff and Richardson Shatter Expectations
    • Student Athlete of the Month: Kennedy Mayo
      Student Athlete of the Month: Kennedy Mayo
    • No image
      What even is a BORG and why does it matter?
  • Multimedia
    • Photo of the Week
      Photo of the Week
    • “Stronger Together” Rally with Chelsea Clinton
      “Stronger Together” Rally with Chelsea Clinton
    • College Government Vice President 2016 End of the Year Report
      College Government Vice President 2016 End of the Year Report
    • Podcasts
    • The Wellesley Snooze
  • Projects
      • The News in Conversation
    • About
      • Contact
      • Join the News
      • Masthead
      • Editorial Board
    By The Wellesley News Staff Miscellanea, The Wellesley SnoozeOctober 5, 2016

    The Alchemist’s Open Letter to Wellesley

    Photo courtesy of Cantabrigia

    No, first year, I’m not talking about the 9:40 p.m. bus you take from Wellesley — there isn’t a 9:40. There isn’t a 10:20 either. If you want to arrive fashionably on time to Kappa Sig, if you’re in a society, or Zeta Psi, if you’re a nerd, you take the 11. Trust me, I have seen many a frustrated Wendy walk aimlessly around the Stud, eat regrettable amounts of Anna’s, or cry because of an abandoned PSET, all after returning from an empty frat house. There’s no greater disappointment than realizing that MIT is filled with socially unique students that use caffeine as a social catalyst and alcohol as a social lubricant.

    Take the later bus but think twice about sleeping over on a mice-scoured floor or finding yourself in some cis-boy’s bed. There’s nothing more awkward than the 9:40 a.m. Peter from Harvard or the 10 from my side of town, when all the churchgoers are starting their days and you’re wondering where special friend put your sweater. But, by all means, strut past me if you do take that bus from 77 Mass Avenue. Own the night. Or your hangover.

    You see, Wellesley students have sat by me and confessed their life stories to their friends while I eavesdropped. Asian tourists have taken pictures of me without my permission, children have failed to climb me, frat boys have peed on me, and the rats of the sky have, well, taken their liberties. Being a number statue is especially hard when people only see you as numbers. Also, when people aim their projectile vomit at me. I get it. I’m a landmark. That doesn’t give you an excuse to throw up on me. Throw up on yourself. Throw up on the Peter. Oh wait, you probably did. Do it when sober. That’s when you learn not to read on any empty stomach in a moving vehicle.

    Wellesley, your international students have smoked near me and first-years have retreated to me in shame after failing to navigate the 1 MBTA Bus. Most importantly, I have seen you irresponsibly finish an Anna’s burrito, thinking it would be your lunch tomorrow, before Peter, your terrible, figurative boyfriend, leaves the stop. I’ve also seen your real-life, temporary partners awkwardly count their dollar bills, only to look like deer in headlights when asked for tokens. So, yeah, I get you and I know you get me to. So, if Peter is your unreliable boyfriend, I am your father: surprisingly unsophisticated and constantly watching you. It was cute when you were a baby, but stop throwing up on me. 

    Share on

    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Pinterest
    • Google +
    • LinkedIn
    • Email
    Previous articleWellesley College looks towards the Inauguration of Paula Johnson
    Next articleClinton vs. Trump on Healthcare

    You may also like

    A Review of Lana Del Rey’s New Album: “Paul Fucking Revere”

    Banned Orgs

    I Sold My Soul to Fizz

    Leave a Reply Cancel reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

    The Wellesley News

      SECTIONS

    • News
    • Features
    • Opinions
    • Arts
    • Sports
    • Multimedia
    • Projects
    • About

      ABOUT

    • Contact
    • Join the News
    • Masthead
    • Editorial Board

      RESOURCES

    • Advertising
    • Submission
    • Subscribe

      CONTACT US

    • Contact
    COPYRIGHT © 2023 THE WELLESLEY NEWS