As a result of Hades’ abduction of Persephone and Demeter’s subsequent environmental retaliation, prominent Mt. Olympus citizens have sought refuge in the United States. However, when they arrived at Logan International Airport, they were received by hostile protesters who believe that the misfortune of the gods is in fact self-inflicted and a result of impetuous and narcissistic behavior.
Said one airport protestor, “I can’t be competing with Heracles for construction work. That’s my job, it’s been my job for the past 10 years, and I’m not too happy with the idea of some wicked large guy taking it from me, just because America is supposed to foster equal opportunity. Fuggetaboutit.” The protester wishes to remain anonymous for his safety, about which he grew concerned when he learned who Heracles’ “old man” is.
Another protester, Stacy Potter of Charlestown, requested that her name be included in this report so that “those friggin gods can see what an American name looks like and get their own.” Potter exclaimed “What the hell kind of mother names her kid Asbestos?” (The only conclusion drawn by the staff of News 10 is that that Ms. Potter was referring to Hestia, one of the 12 Olympians.)
Now, a week later, the Olympians have dispersed throughout several Boston neighborhoods and are seeking employment. I sat down with Poseidon’s new—and likely first—landlord, Barry Doolan of Dorchester; here is what he had to say:
“We got this guy Poseidon renting our third floor apartment. No pets, I say, and the next thing you know he has his winged horse flying over my BBQ and scaring the crap outta my wife. There’s no reasoning with these types. His old lady Amphitrite is ok, but I could hear him up there banging his trident on the floor, and I knew he was givin’ it to her something bad. But boy does she yell back. If things get too heated, salt water starts trickling down my wall! When that happens, the S.O.B. calls in that niece of his—Aphrodite—to calm me down. If I believed in magic, I’d say she was putting a spell on me. I swear, that one looks like she’s from a different world. I don’t know what’s up with this family—their looks are wicked inconsistent, which I can say because I’ve seen his son. I wish I hadn’t.”
Doolan then spoke of an altercation he had with Poseidon about his son, Triton. “One night I was in my cups, and I says to him, ‘Don’t your kid look like a fish?’ Man, did he blow his top. The house was shaking. You can’t have a laugh with that guy. All I can say about them Olympians is they won’t mix with us, even though they’ll mix with fish. And if you don’t mix, we don’t want you in Southie.”
Our report then took us to the Somerville Community Outreach Center, which has been running refugee integration assistance programs since the beginning of June. Jean Wasserman, president of the organization, responded with this statement via email when asked about how the Olympians were assimilating into daily life: “All refugees who come to us for assistance are helped through the process of integration and assimilation. Our program provides English language courses, job training and job placement assistance. We embrace and welcome all refugees. Naturally, this takes time, but they have already been embraced by the community.”
The Outreach Center did successfully obtain jobs for several of the Olympians, sustaining only one unfortunate incident involving the titan Prometheus. He began work as a Starbucks barista just last week, but he has since been fired after an incident which occurred on Saturday. I had the chance to sit down Prometheus to hear his side of the story:
“One human man, with perhaps 20 years, ordered a hot coffee, and so I performed my duty and presented it to him, while simultaneously pointing him eastward, toward the cup sleeves. Mere moments after he left the shop, he returned wearing a look that I took to be an outward display of his dissatisfaction. I was not wrong. He said the coffee I made was not hot enough; he said he liked his coffee ‘fiery hot.’ Is he ignorant to the fact that it was I who bestowed upon mankind the gift of fire?! That, were it not for me, such an idiotic adjective as ‘fiery’ would not exist? I settled the matter traditionally.”
Upon further inquiry, I learned that said dissatisfied customer had been chained from a lamppost by his ankles. He does not wish to give a statement.
On several occasions, President Trump has shared his opinion concerning the arrival of the Olympians, though we did not choose to include it in this article as it was riddled with grammar errors, made-up words and bigotry.