Despite your furtive efforts to conceal the naked horror in your eyes, a recent investigation has revealed the scope of what the Wellesley community has long known to be true: literally everyone saw you drop a piece of silverware in the compost bin, you poor fool.
You may have hoped that the glimmer of steel — too delicately curved to be a knife — went unnoticed by the group of dining hall goers queuing behind you in your oafish haste to clear your plate. But eyewitness accounts confirm that every spectator, especially the dining hall employees who greet you by name and who you secretly try to impress with the fluency and ease of your casual ‘good morning!’s, saw you do it and are currently visiting the harshest judgment of their lives on your utter buffoonery.
“Wait, what?” Greg Reynolds, longtime Bates employee, responded when asked for his take on your complete humiliation, still too stunned by your Icarus-like arrogance and the humbling consequences of your hubris to fully weigh in. “Who did what?”
Sources confirm that not only was this the most profound moment of fear you’ve experienced since being confronted in the academic quad by a weirdly large and brave squirrel,, but your cowardly response — freezing briefly but hurrying away as the person behind you shifted towards the compost bin — also did not go unnoticed.
“The wage of sin is death,” your grandmother used to say.
Why didn’t you listen? Why do you never listen?
Projections show that at this rate, it’s likely that any person you will encounter in a social or romantic setting in the next year or two has already heard about what you did, and they’re judging you too. God, you poor sap. You regrettable galoot. Look upon the horrors you have wrought and despair, for you have visited them upon yourself with your own hand.
Let this fork-disposal folly be a lesson and a warning to all those who bear witness, which is, again, everyone of any importance whatsoever. There can be no justice until your penance is complete.
At press time, the person who was behind you was realizing with wide-eyed horror that they absentmindedly deposited a handful of damp napkins into the silverware bin. You probably missed it.
