Wellesley College students were shocked to learn via Twitter that a fifth contender for college government president (CGP) had announced her candidacy. A video including clips from her senior year commencement speech in 1969 announced that none other than former presidential candidate and former CGP, Hillary Clinton ’69, would be taking an extra year at Wellesley to fulfill her dream of being president (again).
Reactions were mixed, with strong feelings on both sides. “I’ve waited years for a CGP candidate who voted for the Iraq war! She’s the hawk of my dreams,” said Shannon Evans ’19, political science major and future war criminal. “We were so excited to re-accept her,” Director of Admissions Holly Black commented, “her resume was just so full. I mean, it would have been great to see first female POTUS on there, but it really do be like that sometimes.”
Not all students shared this excitement, though. Current junior Lisa Jackson was quick to cry out “but her emails!” when asked to comment on the exciting news. Several students echoed this concern about her email practices, specifically chronic replying-all and a blatant disregard for rules designated by Elections Committee (EC). Head of EC Anna Cho ’20, has taken to leading chants of “lock her up,” based on these infractions. “Based on her Twitter campaign video posted 30 seconds before 8 a.m., the official start of the campaign, we technically have the right to take her name off the ballot,” Cho commented. Very Michael Cohen of her.
The day after the video was posted, 9/11 conspiracy posters around campus were replaced with colorful photos of Clinton in her best pantsuit flashing the Wellesley “W” sign with her hands, surrounded by last year’s somewhat still-relevant memes. According to sources who asked not to be named, Clinton is not above pandering, relying on a shared Wellesley background in lieu of inspiring policies saying, “she wants us to know she’s just like us.”
While it is unclear if she will win the election, Clinton was quick to state that she would take the extra year to grow and learn no matter what. She won’t be campaigning for those crucial swing votes in the Quad, against expert advice. Instead, she plans to take five classes, accept a work-study job intended for a low-income student and will definitely thesis. “I know what it’s like to lose,” she stated, “although I am relieved to know that the popular vote will win this election.”
She finished her statement by begging fellow students to “Pokemon GO to the polls. Right? Are we still saying that???” before tweeting a Mean Girls gif and an incoherent collection of emojis at the other candidates.