• About
  • Editorial Board
  • Advertise
  • Join Us
  • Archives
The Wellesley News -
  • News and Features
    • Students Remember the Legacy of Ruth Bader Ginsberg
      Students Remember the Legacy of Ruth Bader Ginsberg
    • First-Year Students Reflect on Their Expectations for College, One Semester In
      First-Year Students Reflect on Their Expectations for College, One Semester In
    • “We Want to Fundamentally Change the Culture,” International Student Union says
      “We Want to Fundamentally Change the Culture,” International Student Union says
    • News
      • News in Brief
      • Nation & World
      • President’s Corner
      • Senate Report
    • Features
      • Alumnae Spotlight
      • Eye on Science
      • Faculty Focus
      • LGBTQIA+ Column
  • Opinions
    • Wellesley, why can’t you meet our dietary needs?
      Wellesley, why can’t you meet our dietary needs?
    • The block system is a joke
      The block system is a joke
    • Spineless nonpartisanship: how the Girl Scouts convinced me they no longer care about girls
      Spineless nonpartisanship: how the Girl Scouts convinced me they no longer care about girls
    • Staff Editorial
    • Letters to the Editor
    • The Elephant in the Room
  • Arts
    • Harry Styles de-typifies masculinity in Vogue’s December Issue, but is this enough? (spoiler: it’s not)
      Harry Styles de-typifies masculinity in Vogue’s December Issue, but is this enough? (spoiler: it’s not)
    • Music Performance Courses Adapt to an Altered Semester
      Music Performance Courses Adapt to an Altered Semester
    • Ben Wheatley’s adaptation of “Rebecca” fails to deliver compared to its classic counterpart
      Ben Wheatley’s adaptation of “Rebecca” fails to deliver compared to its classic counterpart
    • Arts In The News
    • Reviews
    • Music Peek
  • Health and Wellness
    • No image
      Athletic impacts of Covid-19
    • No image
      A new kind of PE
    • No image
      Maintaining wellness as the cold sets in
    • Athlete of the Week
    • Boston Sports Update
    • The Vegan Digest
    • The SHE Corner
  • Miscellanea
    • No image
      Remote students experience existential crises; change class years in email signatures
    • President’s Column: The Butterfly Effect
      President’s Column: The Butterfly Effect
    • Your next on-campus romance isn’t going to work out
      Your next on-campus romance isn’t going to work out
    • The Artichoke
    • The Dose
    • The Olive Branch
    • Multimedia
      • Galleries
      • Infographics
      • Videos
By Patrizia Troccoli Dragonetti Features, Love and Sex, News and FeaturesNovember 6, 2019

If you break your own rules, then create new ones

His voice was soft as he whispered into my ear, his left hand holding mine firmly, our fingers intertwined. “And if you break your own rule, then what?” My mind, though numbed by rum, was still flooded with thousands of contradictory thoughts. My rigid rules and justifications fought hard against what the rest of me desired. The moments while I formulated what would be my answer felt like an eternity as I revisited every possible reason why I should refuse this kiss. 

Growing up I was obsessed with being the perfect everything. I had a plan and a set of rules to outline everything from school and grades to my outfits. I carefully curated my friendships, my books and events. My idea was not just to be the exemplary student but also to excel everywhere from school to family, friendships and even romance.

Much like any other perfectionist, every time I checked off something in the laundry list of things that I “needed to be,” I came up with something else. I believe it was at some point during my junior year that I convinced myself that what I lacked was a partner. In order to reach the status of absolute perfection, I needed a man. Not just any man — the man that I was looking for needed to possess all those qualities I so carefully strived for in myself. 

Given that ridiculous perfection and continual criticism were attitudes that I only applied to myself, I did eventually find someone to project that ideal of the perfect man unto. He was — at least in my eyes — kind, smart, sweet and ambitious. So nearly everything that I wanted. It was just the thought of him, my “perfect man,” that overwhelmed me the most in those eternal seconds as I contemplated breaking my own rules. His grip on my hand tightened, and I placed my half-empty glass on a nearby shelf. The place was packed, and my friends had managed to gather half the city for a “Last Party of the Year.” I felt his gaze on me as soon as he walked through the door and he didn’t hesitate to introduce himself. As our conversation deepened, we started withdrawing into the kitchen. I kept staring into his eyes as my mind thought of my “perfect man.” I thought of my struggle for him, to find him, to get him and to keep him, the “perfect man,” and how even after checking that off my list, I still felt as flawed as before. 

“And if you break your own rule, then what?”

“Then, nothing,” I muttered as I let him pull me closer to him. On the few seconds before our lips met, the conflicting voices in my head grew louder. The part of me that wanted to regain control, the voice of perfection, begged me to push him off. It reminded me that “good girls” would not do this, that “respectable girls” would not just kiss some guy at a party, that I “must respect myself.” It kept reminding me of how hard I had worked to get everything I wanted to turn me into a model student, a model daughter. This voice that had me overlook my unhappiness in order to fake a perfect relationship with a perfect man urged me to let go of his hand and refuse his kiss. My other side was deeply curious to see what it’d be like to do something completely unexpected, unplanned just because I wanted to. It was this side of me who grabbed him by the back of the neck, running my fingers through his hair. It was this me who followed him into this corner, the one who had long awaited this kiss and responded desperately when our lips finally met. It was this side of me who responded to his caresses lustfully, who wanted to find a way to somehow get closer to him. My desire to break all of my rules, to question every item in my endless list of things that I “needed to be” won over my rigidity and exploded in an uncontained passion. 

Our kiss was interrupted by the sun rising and the sudden realization that I had spent the night at some party instead of home. I found my purse somewhere near a couch in the living room, my phone buzzing with missed calls and reminders that I was supposed to have breakfast with my aunt at 9 a.m. I rushed out in an urge to make yet another commitment, but as I drove off, I realized that although I left that night, that night won’t ever leave me. It was the wake-up call I needed to realize that for far too long, I had been living my life based on what other people expected me to be. It shattered the rules I had put up and set myself free. A self that is not ashamed of her adventures, one that has no precise plan for her long-run life. This new self who does not have a portrait of a man in mind, but is ready to see love as what it is, an adventure.

Share on

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Google +
  • LinkedIn
  • Email
Previous articleWellesley: the birthplace of Nancy Drew
Next articleA rare but enlightening look into Wellesley’s party people

You may also like

Students Remember the Legacy of Ruth Bader Ginsberg

First-Year Students Reflect on Their Expectations for College, One Semester In

“We Want to Fundamentally Change the Culture,” International Student Union says

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Email Newsletter

Sign up to receive our weekly digest in your inbox

* indicates required

Top Articles

  • Harry Styles de-typifies masculinity in Vogue’s December Iss...
  • Students Remember the Legacy of Ruth Bader Ginsberg

Recent Tweets

Tweets by @Wellesley_News

The independent student newspaper of Wellesley College since 1901.

Sign up to receive our weekly digest in your inbox

* indicates required

  • About
  • Editorial Board
  • Advertise
  • Join Us
  • Archives
COPYRIGHT © 2021 THE WELLESLEY NEWS
Back to top