• About
  • Editorial Board
    • Staff Writers
  • Advertise
  • Join Us
  • Archives
The Wellesley News -
  • News and Features
    • The Wellesley (COVID) 100
      The Wellesley (COVID) 100
    • In memory of Professor Rebecca Summerhays
      In memory of Professor Rebecca Summerhays
    • Trans flag controversy: College power washes staircase after trans flag is painted over Harry Potter spray paint
      Trans flag controversy: College power washes staircase after trans flag is painted over Harry Potter spray paint
    • News
      • News in Brief
      • Nation & World
      • President’s Corner
      • Senate Report
    • Features
      • Alumnae Spotlight
      • Eye on Science
      • Faculty Focus
      • LGBTQIA+ Column
  • Opinions
    • The News in Conversation: Wellesley Against Mass Incarceration
      The News in Conversation: Wellesley Against Mass Incarceration
    • Editorial Board calls for keeping up trans flag murals
      Editorial Board calls for keeping up trans flag murals
    • No, Elon Musk’s Twitter will not restore free speech
      No, Elon Musk’s Twitter will not restore free speech
    • Staff Editorial
    • Letters to the Editor
    • The Elephant in the Room
  • Arts
    • Be/longing Centers Connection and Care
      Be/longing Centers Connection and Care
    • No image
      Birds Falling Upwards: Wellesley College Theater’s The Moors is a Must-See
    • No image
      Sometimes you just need to read a YA “Groundhog Day” to feel something
    • Arts In The News
    • Reviews
    • Music Peek
    • Books Before Boys
  • Health and Wellness
    • February Student Athlete of the Month
      February Student Athlete of the Month
    • Athletics Update
      Athletics Update
    • Victoria Garrick Speaks on Mental Health
      Victoria Garrick Speaks on Mental Health
    • Athlete of the Week
    • Boston Sports Update
    • The Vegan Digest
    • The SHE Corner
  • The Wellesley Snooze
    • Wellesley News Leadership Changes Completely Peacefully Without Any Suspicious Disappearances At All
      Wellesley News Leadership Changes Completely Peacefully Without Any Suspicious Disappearances At All
    • Solve Your Connection Problems With Wellesley Insecure
      Solve Your Connection Problems With Wellesley Insecure
    • Mayhem strikes Wellesley as paper towels removed from campus
      Mayhem strikes Wellesley as paper towels removed from campus
  • Miscellanea
    • President’s Column: The Butterfly Effect
      President’s Column: The Butterfly Effect
    • Administrators shocked to learn that students dislike being left in dark
      Administrators shocked to learn that students dislike being left in dark
    • 50 Lies You Tell Yourself in Order to Survive Until Graduation
      50 Lies You Tell Yourself in Order to Survive Until Graduation
    • The Dose
    • The Olive Branch
    • Multimedia
      • Galleries
      • Infographics
      • Videos
By Cheryl Wang The Wellesley SnoozeSeptember 4, 2020

Your next on-campus romance isn’t going to work out

All graphics by Eva Knaggs '22

Heartbreak is in the air this season as Wellesley students begin the process of moving back to campus for the 2020 fall semester.  Over one-fourth of student relationships are intra-campus, according to a survey conducted by the News on “W*ll*sl*y Twitter”. With strict social distancing measures as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, however, maintaining a campus relationship is harder than ever. 

For this Artichoke feature article, the Wellesley News scientifically collected eight reasons why your next on-campus romance is doomed to crash and burn:

  1. Long Distance

It’s estimated that one-half of long distance relationships will ultimately end in failure, according to various studies on the subject. Lack of communication, loneliness and uncertainty can wear down even the healthiest of relationships, say experts, and no matter how hard you try to make things right they will go terribly wrong. So if you and your significant other find yourself split between East Side and West Side this year, be prepared to cry six feet from your beau over a Grab & Go meal while your five blockmates awkwardly crowd around and hand you paper towels from the fresh new stack the administration has finally started providing in dorm bathrooms. 

  1. Time Zones

If you’re a night owl dating a crew rower, forget ever seeing them in person — texts and calls will become increasingly sporadic with your vastly different schedules. You may even be blockmates this year, but does she even exist … or was she merely a figment of your sleep-deprived madness?

  1. Jealousy

You’re not in the same block as her this year, but her “friend” Sarah is, the one she told you not to worry about when you confronted her at the beginning of the semester. So now you have you to watch across the dining hall as Sarah jokingly feeds her a bite of Joe’s fried rice on a contaminated spoon, despite this act being a blatant health hazard and therefore violation of honor code. But when you report Sarah to the Dean like the concerned Wendy you are, somehow you’re the bad guy?

  1. Political Differences

Yeah, you’re voting for Biden this election, but you just found out the person you thought was the love of your life actually supports his policies.

  1. Cultural Sssplit

Your lovely girlfriend recently changed her tagline on LinkedIn from “Econ Major at Wellesley College” to “Investment Banking Analyst”. Should you be concerned at this sudden shift? Five weeks ago, you remember her telling you that she would never support the corrupt capitalist establishment that cost millions their jobs and life savings during the Great Shutdown. When you go to question her now, she tells you she just wants to “change the sssystem from the inssside”. 

  1. Cultural Split pt. 2

You’re getting pretty sick and tired of all the unoriginal ‘snake’ jokes she won’t stop throwing at you because of your Econ minor. Never-mind that instead of achieving her dreams of being a foreign diplomat with her political science degree in twenty years, she’ll be lobbying in Congress for Big Tobacco instead. Who’s the sellout now?

  1. Cuffing Season

This September is slated to be colder than average, according to the Old Farmer’s Almanac, which means cuffing season is likely to start a month earlier than normal. You’ll both pretend this relationship means something more when you both know it won’t last past the warmer-than-average October. 

  1. Inter-rim Romance

Thanks to that infamous quote from the NYC Department of Health, as reposted by Wellesley College, your more adventurous plans have officially been cancelled and your disappointment is immeasurable. With no means for venting out your sexual frustration, you’ll have to make do with emotional intimacy instead. Schoolwork, extracurriculars, and now feelings? No thanks.

Share on

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Google +
  • LinkedIn
  • Email
Previous articleAdministrators shocked to learn that students dislike being left in dark
Next articleRemote students experience existential crises; change class years in email signatures

You may also like

Wellesley News Leadership Changes Completely Peacefully Without Any Suspicious Disappearances At All

Solve Your Connection Problems With Wellesley Insecure

Mayhem strikes Wellesley as paper towels removed from campus

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Email Newsletter

Sign up to receive our weekly digest in your inbox

* indicates required

Top Articles

Sorry. No data so far.

Recent Tweets

Tweets by @Wellesley_News

The independent student newspaper of Wellesley College since 1901.

Sign up to receive our weekly digest in your inbox

* indicates required

  • About
  • Editorial Board
    • Staff Writers
  • Advertise
  • Join Us
  • Archives
COPYRIGHT © 2022 THE WELLESLEY NEWS
Back to top