On Saturday, May 29, the Wellesley Secure Wi-Fi ceased to function for the whole day. Wellesley students, in the midst of finals, were horrified by the occurrence.
“This is the last straw,” Wendy Wellesley ’23 said. “I’m applying to transfer to Smith.”
The wireless connection at Wellesley is notorious for being unreliable, but lately, students have been taking it personally.
“I mean, what happens next?” Wanda Wellesley ’23 said. “No Wi-Fi at all? What’ll they do next, cut off power to the laundry rooms?”
As it turns out, most students do not regularly do their laundry, so that scenario should not result in many issues. However, the outage is a major cause of concern for finals-takers who have not yet finished their exams and projects.
“What?” Wendy said when we asked her about her final exams. “I finished those on Wednesday. Come on, you all need to start working ahead.”
When asked why she is so upset about the lack of internet access, Wendy explained that she has several applications to fill out.
“I mean, obviously I have a job lined up for this summer,” Wendy said. “And for the fall semester. And wintersession. But I need to plan ahead, so I’m trying to look for internships next spring. I think I’m going to try to get another UROP if I don’t transfer by then.”
Unfortunately, there are only so many Wendys at this school. As it turns out, the vast majority of students had yet to finish their finals on Saturday, let alone begin planning their career opportunities for the coming months.
“I mean, I’m sure they’ll have it fixed by Tuesday, right?” Wanda said. “As long as I can get mine in by then, I’ll be fine.”
Has she at least started her exams yet?
“Oh, god, no,” Wanda said. “I’m just mad because I need the Wi-Fi to look up my friend’s birth chart. She insists she’s a Scorpio moon, but there’s no way. Her energy screams Virgo.”
We here at the Artichoke hope that the Wi-Fi is restored so we can actually post this article. In the meantime, we hope the physics majors threatening to build their own satellites can pull through.