College President Jaula Pohnson released a statement on April 1 that as of Fall 2023, Wellesley would start allowing applicants in the Class of 2027 and beyond who identified as male to apply to Wellesley for the first time in history, following the footsteps of fellow once-historically women’s colleges Vassar College and Sarah Lawrence College.
The decision was approved after several administrative-level meetings with the Board of Trustees. Upon being interviewed, Board Chair Wendy Wanda ’69 told The Snooze that “significant thought and care” had been factored into the ultimate conclusion.
“One thing that people don’t understand is that in the end, men earn about 1.2% more than women for the same labor,” Wanda said. “Discrimination or not, glass ceiling and all, blah blah blah, that still means that they have more money to donate to the school after graduation. In fact, if all our soon-to-be male alumni donated the extra seventeen cents they earn per dollar than women, we could potentially raise our endowment from three to four billion dollars. And instead of putting that money towards renovating our lead-contaminated dorms, we can construct another building named after a rich male CEO like every other elite college!”
Due to the expected rise in male enrollment, administration have begun plans to construct additional male restrooms throughout the College, raising the number of men’s restrooms in Sci from zero to a grand total of one.
“I’m just glad I no longer have to wait for 15 minutes every time I want to use the only gender neutral restroom on the Sci second floor because every other male faculty member in the building felt the call of nature at the same time I did,” Neuroscience Professor Robin Robinson said.
In contrast, many students are less than enthused by the new policy.
“I’m transferring to Smith,” first-year Wanda Wendy said. In addition to Pohnson’s announcement, Wendy cited other factors that attracted her to the fellow Seven Sisters college, including a startling lack of large bodies of water filled with arsenic.
Senior Wenda Wandy ’22 echoed Wendy’s negative sentiments.
“I don’t think this is the right step for the College to be taking, especially since so many students chose Wellesley because it gave them a space for them to empower themselves free of the prejudices of a male-dominated society,” Wandy said. “As painful as it is, I’ve decided not to continue my education here after this semester. This is a wake-up call for me that it’s time to move on from Wellesley.”
However, the decision would not significantly change the demographics of the student body, as is popular belief.
In an unexpected twist, Pohnson revealed in a later follow-up email that the entire affair, from start to finish, was meant to be a publicity stunt intended to drive up applications to the College from male applicants who would then be automatically rejected by the applicant screening system, thus driving down the admittance rate of the school and raising its ranking on US News Best Liberal Arts Colleges.
“Wellesley has dropped two entire ranks from third to fifth best on US News in the last two years, mostly due to certain decisions made in the ranking algorithm that have resulted in certain factors being weighted more that may or not be embedded in heavy bias,” Pohnson said. “Instead of fighting against this unfair bias, however, we’ve simply decided to game the system. As they say in my alma mater, Radcliffe, if you can’t beat them, join them!”