Dressing up for the spooky season? Don’t know what to wear? Fear not—we’ve got you covered, with a list of ten fabulous costumes that you can make from home.
1. Sexy Founding Father
- You’ll need: a razor and your tightest breeches
- Directions: shave the top of your head in a semicircular motion to achieve that Benjamin Franklin ‘do. Pop open the first few buttons on your white dress shirt, and voila … history, sexified.
- (to take your costume to the next level, pair your white stockings with clear lucite stripper heels)
2. Harry Styles à la “Don’t Worry Darling”
- You’ll need: a prominent frown
- Directions: spend the night alternating between an English and American accent. Should you at any point sit down, turn to the nearest person and spit in their lap.
- (no having sex unless your boss is hosting the party)
3. Lana Del Rey
- You’ll need: major depressive disorder (real or faked) and a lack of self-awareness (real)
- Directions: do a line of cocaine and make out with the nearest fifty-year-old man (bonus points if he looks like your absent father).
4. Wellesley Student
- You’ll need: no grasp on reality
- Directions: serve justice and change the world by sharing your revolutionary opinions on Instagram. Your 317 followers will be so moved by your intelligence and commitment to activism.
- ** In this context, activism means looking for opportunities to cancel people.
5. Serial Killer
- You’ll need: the face of a teen heartthrob and the adoration of millions of women.
- ** A resemblance to Zac Efron, Ross Lynch, or Evan Peters is preferable.
- Directions: be a vile and disgusting person. Then, collect unearned sympathy from everyone by being attractive.
6. Vecna
- You’ll need: a high pain tolerance
- Directions: stuff yourself into one of those conveyor belt toasters. If you come out unscathed the first few tries, don’t fret — the toaster requires a minimum of ten attempts before it fries the f*ck out of you.
7. Megan Fox
- You’ll need: to be sexy
- Directions: ask your boyfriend for a vial of his blood. If he declines, roofie him and harvest his blood while he’s unconscious. Wear the vial of his blood and an upside-down cross on a chain around your neck.
8. Adam Levine
- You’ll need: functioning nards
- Directions: get your girlfriend pregnant. Then go cheat on her.
9. Tom Brady
- You’ll need: seven Super Bowl rings
- Directions: literally drink three gallons of water a day.
- WARNING: this will make you pee constantly. We don’t know how Tom Brady relieves himself during games, but he most likely wears adult diapers. We suggest that you do the same (at the very least, pack a maxi pad).
10. Pete Davidson
- You’ll need: anemia. And a huge schlong.
- Directions: make a sexy-model-actress-billionaire-celebrity fall in love with you. How you will accomplish this, I have no idea.
Couples Costume Edition:
- Jared & Ivanka
- You’ll need: caucasian heritage and shit-eating grins
- Directions: shove sticks up your asses and be useless
- (Pro tip: tack on a British accent, and you’ve got a whole new costume…Camilla Parker Bowles and King Charles III)!
Group Costume Edition:
- The Romanoffs
- You’ll need: a hemophiliac child
- Directions: assault the hemophiliac child, and when it starts dying from blood loss, everyone has to do the “Rasputin” dance.
