This article is from The Wellesley News’ annual satire edition.
On Feb. 31, the dining hall hours of Bates, Tower and Stone-Davis were cut down to 30 minutes for each meal with breakfast being from 8-8:30 a.m., lunch from 1-1:30 p.m., and dinner from 5-5:30 p.m. Lulu dining hours will remain the same, but late night dining will no longer be an option.
The change was made in order to accommodate the thousands of texts received by the dining hall managers about the flavor of the food. Bates head chef Wesley Walker said this change will give the dining hall staff more time to add some actual flavor to the food instead of seasoning it with water.
“We’ve thought about putting some salt on for a long time, so we’ll start with putting one grain of salt on each piece of food and gradually move up to two grains of salt,” said Walker. “The process is very time consuming since we have to use tweezers to place the salt on the food, so the shortened dining hall hours will allow for the staff to ensure that every piece of food has one grain of salt.”
With Lulu being the only dining hall with regular hours, the seating crisis has been elevated to a new level of hell. Students are now sitting on the steps, in the elevator and on the many ledges found in the architectural nightmare of a building. Willow Watson ’25 is leading a revolution against Wellesley Fresh by rallying students to ditch their dorms and live inside the dining halls.
“We needed something more aggressive than a sit-in, so I decided a move-in would be the next step up,” said Watson. “We’ve made a lot of progress with the move-in by giving food to sibs in need, throwing out the acid that they call coffee and even trying to cook, but the only thing they have to spice their food is salt, which explains why the food here has no goddamn flavor.”
Since the change has been instated, the sound of wailing stomachs have plagued campus in the middle of the night. This new phenomena has been named “Whale Hour” where every night at 3 a.m. the campus explodes with whale-like sounds from starving stomachs. Wanda Wilkins ’24 said she is grateful for “Whale Hour” because it disturbs her chemistry professor’s sleep.
“My chem professor lives in an apartment down the road, and she always wakes up in the middle night right at ‘Whale Hour,’ so her sleep deprivation has led to her canceling class once a week and extending the deadline on all of the p-sets,” said Wilkins. “She’s also super understanding about us missing class, I mean, I haven’t showed up to class in three weeks and she always emails back, ‘It’s okay bestie take care of your physical, mental and emotional health xoxoxox.’”
The dining hall hours will remain permanent until the college food critic Anton Ego approves of the food.
“But the bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so,” said Ego. “Unless that piece of junk is an actual piece of shit, which is something I’ve seen more of here than at a restaurant run by a damn rat.”