By BROTI GUPTA ’16

Staff Columnist

Thank you for calling The Business Company. If you know your party’s extension, please dial it now. Otherwise, please hold for more options. 

Press 1 if you would like to contact advertising, marketing or would like to hear any businessman use fancy terms like “oversee” or “paperclip.”

Press 2 if you would like to be transferred to our sales department. No one has ever pressed 2, so they would very much appreciate it if you would. 

Press 3 if you would like to be transferred to our Los Angeles department. If you are already in Los Angeles, you do not need to select this option.

Press 4 for our finance department. I do not recommend talking to them. They are very boring.

Press 5 if you would like to be transferred to the pizzeria next to our company. We order there sometimes, and they wanted a shout out. Al, do you hear this? Do we still owe you money? 

Press 6 if you would like to be transferred to 5. Al wanted more advertising.

Press 7 if you want to hear options 4-7 again.

Press 8 if you do not.

Press 9 if you want to order from Al’s Pizzeria and thought you missed your chance after the first two times we mentioned it.

Press the pound key, and then dial 1-2 if you’d like to speak with our company lawyer about food poisoning from Al’s.

Press the pound key, and then dial 3-1 if you’d like to yell at Al personally. Please yell, “Room temperature isn’t the right temperature for meat storage!” because we’ve been trying to tell him that for years.

Press 9-1-1 if there’s any more food poisoning.

Press 0 if you’d like to be transferred to an operator, or please hold.