Valentine’s Day got you stressed? Here are some cute gift ideas based on your valentine’s major!

Chemistry: Barium, carbon, potassium, thorium, astatine, arsenic, sulfur, uranium, and phosphorus. In that order.

English: A stable career. (Or a book!)

Philosophy: I don’t know, some … thoughts? Art history: The Bold and Brash painting from Spongebob.

Physics: Get whatever you want, but you can only give it to them by dropping it directly onto their head.

Education: Hand sanitizer and Clorox wipes to thoroughly decontaminate after teaching a class full of sticky iPad kids.

Biochem: A fucking break.

Psychology: A signed copy of Dr. Phil’s 2012 New York Times #1 bestselling book, Life Code: New Rules for the New World.

Political science: A Hillary Clinton bobblehead from the bookstore. History: Dim the lights, scatter some rose petals, spray some perfume, and settle in to watch Hamilton. Bonus points if you memorize all the songs and dance numbers.

Biology: Multiple succulents stolen from the greenhouse, to add to their collection of wilted and unwatered plants.

CAMS: Netflix and chill, but be prepared to be interrupted every three minutes to hear “fun facts” about every single one of the actors.

Computer science: A hug. They haven’t felt the touch of another in years.

Econ: A soul.

Math: A heart-shaped Desmos plot.

WGST: Psh! Valentine’s Day is a sexist construct designed to uphold the patriarchy and commercialize the concept of love in order to line the pockets of evil capitalist corporations. (Secretly, they want flowers.)

Environmental science: Robust, effective and sustainable climate change policies. Good luck with that.