On March 18, Wellesley released its decision letters to the class of ’27, offering admission to only 13% of applicants. Across the board, colleges and universities are becoming increasingly selective. In fact, Wellesley’s admissions office revealed their projected acceptance rate for years to come, and it’s safe to say that future applicants will face a much more competitive process.

You may think you’re in the clear, seeing as you’ve already been accepted; however, now is the perfect time to start thinking and planning your future children’s applications. We sat down with Cordelia Collegeboard, an expert in this field and author of the New York Times Best-Seller “How to Prep Your Preschooler for the College Application Process.” Here’s what she had to say:

Q: What’s one thing you’d like to share with our readers?

CC: To the parents of future parents, congratulations on taking your first steps in your child’s educational journey! And to the applicants, congratulations on taking your first steps!

Q: Your last name is Collegeboard; out of curiosity, do you have any relation to the company?

CC: It’s actually French, and it’s pronounced (coll-eje-bow-are). But yes, my great great grandfather was the first SAT Exam; 7 generations of my family have been college entrance exams.

Q: Okay… so what do you say to the skeptics who ask if a preschooler’s too young to start this academic endeavor?

CC: Well, to that, I’d like to say you’re already behind. 

Q: And why’s that?

CC: Maybe a few decades ago, we –– you know, “our kind of people” (winked), realized it was no longer just about sending a child off to an elite university but helping them attend a prestigious prep school to give them a better shot of acceptance to such institutions. Then, when the others found out about this neat trick of ours, we realized we must send youths to highly established grade schools. However, we found that to get them into these schools, they must enter in kindergarten, so a selective, well-connected preschool became the priority. But now I ask you, how do you intend to get your toddler into such a preschool without first getting accepted into the most distinguished and impressive hospital birth ward? How do you expect to get your infant out of utero and into Dartmouth? Well, that’s where I come in. 

Q: Fascinating, Cordelia. Can you give us a little more insight? Like what are the best tips you give parents?

CC: #1) Now is the ideal time to get your child diagnosed with what I call a “gentle learning disability” (nothing too severe or detrimental to them socially). This is your ADHD, ADD, dyslexia, or dysgraphia. That’s when handwriting’s messy, so your 4th grader gets to use an iPad on spelling quizzes. AGAIN this is the perfect age to help them get ahead of their peers and give them access to extra time on all their tests, quizzes, assignments, and more throughout their entire education, especially on their standardized testing. You wouldn’t want to wait until it’s too late, like in 5th grade. Also, you may be saying: “well, my child is perfect and not presenting any signs of these conditions –– how could I ever convince a doctor??” Again, that’s what I’m here for; with my highly connected network, I can be sure to find a pediatrician or psychologist willing to help. All you have to do is say the word, and your 4-year-old will have an Adderall prescription within the week. 

#2) Involve your child in a niche sport. Think beyond the typical; lacrosse is boring. We find the ideal sport for your child, whether it may be water polo, horse dressage, curling, pickleball, squash or really any racquet-based sport; we can even invent one for our top paying customers and get it officially integrated into their school within 3 years.

#3) Networking is ESSENTIAL! My little baby girl Sterling just aced her first playdate with the head of Harvard’s admissions committee’s granddaughter. My service provides strict guidelines on who your child should associate with, and we also set up many speed (play)dating events for your child to meet like-minded individuals. We also offer some bi-monthly group meetings. However, we understand the typical “Mommy and Me” ones are unappealing because we know most of our clientele would be less than excited to spend a whole 2 hours with the child, so we now offer events like “Nanny and Me,” or “Au pair and me.” It’s all about who you know, so we have an extremely selective vetting process to let you attend these occasions and group meetings. We also hold other events; for example, next month’s group lecture is on “which spaces to pretend you’re liberal in and how.”

#4) Set up a charity or foundation in your child’s name! Getting into these top-notch schools has been even harder than ever. An estimated two-thirds of the ivy’s applicant pool has their own companies, charities, and have published books by age 16. You want to find a noble cause that will work nicely in tandem with whatever you intend your child to major in. When establishing your child’s nonprofit, you must ensure it’s public and visible. There’s no point in “anonymous” donations and tax write-offs if your child doesn’t get the credit. Who really cares about funding the arts if you cannot benefit? But be warned, this charity must not be too noteworthy or visible that your child should feel compelled through public scrutiny to continue “working” on their philanthropic endeavors after the college application process. Choosing a charitable path can be really hard on you, so that’s where we harness my team’s expertise to manufacture a nonprofit catered to your needs. I call it the “profitable nonprofit.” Perhaps you want your child to major in art history … we could get in contact with an esteemed art museum in your area and get their name behind a restoration project of the house of Medici portraits. If you want your child to study law, perhaps we get their name involved with buying legal textbooks for underprivileged 3rd graders in the inner city. Whatever the cause, we can make it look like your child is a champion humanitarian.