This article is from The Wellesley News’ annual satire edition.
Last month, President Johnson announced that new renovations would keep Clapp Library closed for an additional semester. The student body was collectively upset by the fact that its doors will now open at the start of the 2025-26 school year, but there is no reason to be — this extended renovation will truly benefit everyone. Remember that Wellesley has three libraries (sizes somewhat vary), so is life any different without one of them? The closure of Clapp will only help students academically, socially, and by making the community more equal.
Without Clapp, students can start to appreciate the Science Center more. Sci is a beautiful place to study: its spanning concrete walls and crayola-colored … well, everything, light up campus on its darkest nights. There are no private rooms, but those aren’t necessary here because all STEM majors love interacting with each other. Do you have a problem set due at midnight but feel like you’re on the verge of falling asleep? Have no fear, because there is zero possibility of falling asleep in Sci. The bright, fluorescent lights ensure that no student can doze off while completing assignments (side effects include tension headaches and losing perception of time). Clapp, on the other hand, allegedly circulates melatonin in the vents above its dim, cozy rooms. If Clapp were open, studies show that productivity would drop by 150%. Students would never submit assignments on time, resulting in an irrevocably depressed student body. Sci saves lives.
Wellesley students are also in desperate need of some good vitamin D. Unfortunately, the constant stream of illumination from a computer screen doesn’t count towards one’s daily dose of sunlight. Clapp only encouraged people to study, which is unacceptable at a huge party school such as Wellesley. As the warm weather approaches, students must spend as much time outside as possible to rejuvenate after the hard-hitting winter. No longer can students stay cooped up in the library with no interaction with the outside world. After all, the copious amounts of snowfall Massachusetts had this season forced people to stay inside.
Finally, the closure of Clapp and its move to the mods give Eastside its time to shine. No longer is Eastside known as “whatever is on the other side of the Science Center.” Now, the mods draw extra foot traffic to the best side of Wellesley, where the action happens. Though Clapp once sat in the middle of campus, bringing the Quint, Eastside and Tower together to bridge the divide between us, now students can accept the superior nature of Eastside in lieu of the mods’ location.
Hearing that the closure of Clapp would persist until my junior year was initially upsetting, but after further reflection, I’ve realized that only good things can come out of this extended renovation. The excuse to not study is reason enough, and I’m sure that everyone else at Wellesley will start to appreciate this reasonable executive decision as well.