In an effort to help its students and faculty, Wellesley College sent out an announcement with suggestions. Cosigned by health services, the announcement recommends that individuals remain totally unaffected by any trying circumstance whatsoever.
One of the trustees, Rose Rows ’88 made a statement about the announcement in a recent Trustees meeting held calmly in the middle of a tumultuous snowstorm.
“Wellesley College is full of tough nuts, and we, in conjunction with the college, want to keep it this way,” Rows declared.
Rows, like the majority of the members of the administration, lives in a universe where everyone affiliated with the College lives in a movie. Community members are expected to have only one main conflict and not be affected by any real details of real life.
Chair of the Baking and Pastry department, Flora Flour, agrees with Rows and reassures the community that the excessive amount of snow should not affect administrative tasks.
“Papers can be processed quickly. As long as people drive carefully, the impact of the inclement weather is minimal,” Flour said.
In response to recent reminders that most of the campus community is human, the administration recommends not being so oversensitive. To survive snow, the administration suggests that faculty and staff just become superhuman.
The Dean of the Reputation of the College, Fritta Fried, also adopted a nonchalant attitude toward the situation.
“Are your children off from school? Is your car buried five feet under? You’ll feed them sometime. It gets done. Easily. Then take a nap,” Fried said. “Roads unsafe? Students constantly behind? We clearly only hire and admit fictional people.”
Fried then looked disappointed.
“Or so we thought. They seem to be failing us so we want to increase morale,” Fried said.
It is recommended that students repress all their emotions in order to maintain a pristine lifestyle. Everything should remain balanced because obviously life really doesn’t have much effect on the average person.
If you’re not yet invincible, the college recommends taking care of yourself until you’re able to do everything. This involves creating the illusion of a balanced lifestyle: taking breaks for the purpose of keeping up appearances, making lunch dates which are truly only empty promises scrawled out in planners and then postponed, and of course maintaining a sleepless sleeping schedule.
At press time, the administration was found writing emails discussing how to address this matter.