***Editor’s Note: This article was published as part of the satirical April 1, 2015 issue.
Deadline for Iranian nuclear deal framework postponed until June 31
Despite the original Tuesday deadline for a preliminary political agreement to limit Iran’s nuclear program, negotiators were unable to resolve key sticking points. The disagreement was highlighted on Sunday when Iran’s deputy foreign minister, Abbas Araqchi, told Iranian and international journalists that Iran had no intention of shipping its nuclear fuel outside the country. As a result, negotiators announced that they would postpone their deadline until Friday, June 31 to allow for more time to decide on a suitable framework. Because the rotation of the Earth is slowing ever so slightly, International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service says we will need to add one second to the clock on June 30, giving negotiators just that much more time to reach a deal. “Every second counts,” Secretary of State John Kerry said. In a press conference at the White House, reporters pointed out that June 30 is the last day of the month, in response to which White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest hastily declared the press conference over.
Boehner invites Putin to speak in front of Congress
Last month, Speaker of the House John Boehner drew the spotlight to the nation’s capitol by inviting Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to address Congress in the midst of the Iran nuclear negotiations and a national election in Israel. Now Boehner has announced a list of speakers who he has invited to address Congress between now and the time President Obama leaves office. The list confirms liberals’ worst fears that Republicans are attempting a last-ditch effort to sabotage Obama’s pristine reputation during his last two years in office. Some, like Russian President Vladimir Putin, are expected to receive an even cooler reception from both Democrats and Republicans than Mr. Netanyahu. Others on the list include the head of the National Rifle Association, members of a suburban Sarah Palin book club and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who is hoping to put some distance between herself and Obama before the 2016 election. In other news, Michelle Obama reportedly received an anonymous note written in cut-out magazine letters warning her that the stress of dealing with a gridlocked Congress has been known to put a strain on Presidential marriages. Any attempt on the part of the Obamas to renew their vows, the letter said, would be “empty and short lived” without approval from Capitol Hill.
American lawmakers finally react in unison to climate change
The International Organization for Climate Change Research has released a report which states that should the United States continue to operate at its current levels of carbon emissions, all American television sets as well as Netflix, Hulu and the internet’s most popular pirating websites will cease to operate within a year because of technological interference. The revelation has sparked a wave of protests across the country, concentrated on college campuses. Cable television companies have hired their best legal teams in the nation to lobby Congress for a solution. Actors and actresses including Meryl Streep have joined together to create a series of promotional videos to raise awareness about their lack of job security due to climate change. Macklemore has released a protest song called “Pop Culture, United, Will Never be Deleted.” In response to pressure from international businesses, celebrities and their constituents, lawmakers have at long last drafted a bill that would cut the United States’ climate emissions in half by next year, with no harmful consequences to the economy. The only holdup is two paragraph tacked onto the end of the bill. One would provide amnesty to all undocumented immigrants in the nation and the other would ban abortion for the next 50 years.
Political elites reveal their secret pastime
Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter and White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest have reportedly joined up with lawmakers Cory Booker, Brad Byrne and Duncan Hunter to form a 90s boy band, according to a recent article in the The Rolling Stone. Every Friday, the five reach across partisan lines to practice their music together in Cory’s basement. “We all have these retro-sounding names that are just magnets for office jokes,” said Ashton. “One day we thought, why not just embrace it?” Even though they have formed a close friendship, they haven’t been immune to partisan gridlock. When deciding on a band name, Josh, Ashton and Cory were set on “The House of Riff-resentatives.” However, Duncan and Brad insisted on calling the group “The Boondoggies.” Duncan and Brad say they were willing to filibuster the decision by playing Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody on loop until the others gave in. Josh says they almost did, just to avoid listening to Duncan’s falsetto. However, the band eventually decided together on “The Hanging Chads.”
Sabrina Leung ‘18 is the Digital Editor majoring in International Relations-Political Science with a minor in History. She is best reached at email@example.com or @sabrinatzleung on Twitter.