facebook icon facebook icon facebook icon
  • About
  • ADS
  • Masthead
    • Editorial Board
  • Submission
  • Subscribe
The Wellesley News -
  • News
    • Contract ratified by Wellesley’s Maintenance and Service Employees Union
      Contract ratified by Wellesley’s Maintenance and Service Employees Union
    • News in Brief
      News in Brief
    • Wellesley adapts to end of race conscious admissions
      Wellesley adapts to end of race conscious admissions
    • Senate Report
    • News in Brief
  • Features
    • Professor Spotlight: Dr. Faisal Ahmed
      Professor Spotlight: Dr. Faisal Ahmed
    • Spotlight: New Professor Kathryn Winner
      Spotlight: New Professor Kathryn Winner
    • Spotlight: New Professor Lucia Nhamo ’11
      Spotlight: New Professor Lucia Nhamo ’11
    • Humans of Wellesley
    • Archives
  • Opinions
    • France’s Abaya Ban Unveils Its Own Misogyny
      France’s Abaya Ban Unveils Its Own Misogyny
    • Editorial: In defense of affirmative action
      Editorial: In defense of affirmative action
    • I am an NCAA champion: we should end college recruiting
      I am an NCAA champion: we should end college recruiting
    • Editorials
    • Letters to Editors
  • Arts
    • The SAG-AFTRA and WGA Strikes: What’s happening in Hollywood?
      The SAG-AFTRA and WGA Strikes: What’s happening in Hollywood?
    • Digging into Hozier’s Unreal Unearth: “De Selby (Part 1)” and the Population of Loss
      Digging into Hozier’s Unreal Unearth: “De Selby (Part 1)” and the Population of Loss
    • Summer Releases to Help Usher in Fall
      Summer Releases to Help Usher in Fall
  • Sports
    • Gauff and Richardson Shatter Expectations
      Gauff and Richardson Shatter Expectations
    • Student Athlete of the Month: Kennedy Mayo
      Student Athlete of the Month: Kennedy Mayo
    • No image
      What even is a BORG and why does it matter?
  • Multimedia
    • Photo of the Week
      Photo of the Week
    • “Stronger Together” Rally with Chelsea Clinton
      “Stronger Together” Rally with Chelsea Clinton
    • College Government Vice President 2016 End of the Year Report
      College Government Vice President 2016 End of the Year Report
    • Podcasts
    • The Wellesley Snooze
  • Projects
      • The News in Conversation
    • About
      • Contact
      • Join the News
      • Masthead
      • Editorial Board
    By Lara Azar Features, News and Features, The Wellesley SnoozeApril 3, 2015

    God doesn’t choose Noah 2.0 in time; the second great flood cancelled

    In a historic turn of events, God has cancelled the Second Great Flood. After planning the actual flood meticulously and well in advance, the project’s last phase, choosing whom to save, proved too difficult. “I worked my butt off,”  God said, who had originally planned for it to snow for 40 days and 40 nights. Because enough time had passed since his first flood, the flooding technique  was due for an upgrade. In lieu of rain, snow was used. “It was gonna be super artistic and clever. Imagine… snow day upon snow day for forty days and forty nights. And after the fortieth night, BAM — the second great flood! Beautiful, right?” God explained.

    Unfortunately, His plan did not go as smoothly as He had hoped; finding Noah 2.0 took longer than anticipated. Before giving up entirely, He allegedly changed the plan to allow Himself more time to find the person to save. He slowed the pace of the snow slightly, allowing the it to accumulate and buying more time to find the perfect Noah. He found the search much more difficult than anticipated. “That was really hard,” God mused. “I think I might have accidentally made too many humans.”God initially meant to choose a politician, considering their reputation of working for humanity. “I thought about which person I wanted to save and I just didn’t know. I liked that war criminal, Barack,” God mentioned. “Oh, that Barry! So charismatic! I thought it might be nice to offer him this opportunity for reconciliation. But then I realised, perhaps politicians weren’t the way to go.”

    After taking a break from his plan to listen to two or three prayers, God considered broadening his range, looking at the “underdogs,” as he phrased it. “But I also thought about finding a lot of underdogs. So I went on the underdog search, but at the end of the day everybody sucks. The nice people just didn’t have it in them, you know?” God concluded.

    Weeks behind on his search, God gave up. He decided to cancel and simply let humanity continue to suffer. In an effort to reverse the planned flood, He assured His followers in a press release on Sunday, He would continue to freeze, unfreeze, and refreeze all the snow and ice until May.

    Share on

    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Pinterest
    • Google +
    • LinkedIn
    • Email
    Previous articleCollege Government Statements of Intent
    Next articleWellesley College presents: Hillary Clinton’s Pizza Maker

    You may also like

    Professor Spotlight: Dr. Faisal Ahmed

    Spotlight: New Professor Kathryn Winner

    Spotlight: New Professor Lucia Nhamo ’11

    Leave a Reply Cancel reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

    The Wellesley News

      SECTIONS

    • News
    • Features
    • Opinions
    • Arts
    • Sports
    • Multimedia
    • Projects
    • About

      ABOUT

    • Contact
    • Join the News
    • Masthead
    • Editorial Board

      RESOURCES

    • Advertising
    • Submission
    • Subscribe

      CONTACT US

    • Contact
    COPYRIGHT © 2023 THE WELLESLEY NEWS