In a historic turn of events, God has cancelled the Second Great Flood. After planning the actual flood meticulously and well in advance, the project’s last phase, choosing whom to save, proved too difficult. “I worked my butt off,” God said, who had originally planned for it to snow for 40 days and 40 nights. Because enough time had passed since his first flood, the flooding technique was due for an upgrade. In lieu of rain, snow was used. “It was gonna be super artistic and clever. Imagine… snow day upon snow day for forty days and forty nights. And after the fortieth night, BAM — the second great flood! Beautiful, right?” God explained.
Unfortunately, His plan did not go as smoothly as He had hoped; finding Noah 2.0 took longer than anticipated. Before giving up entirely, He allegedly changed the plan to allow Himself more time to find the person to save. He slowed the pace of the snow slightly, allowing the it to accumulate and buying more time to find the perfect Noah. He found the search much more difficult than anticipated. “That was really hard,” God mused. “I think I might have accidentally made too many humans.”God initially meant to choose a politician, considering their reputation of working for humanity. “I thought about which person I wanted to save and I just didn’t know. I liked that war criminal, Barack,” God mentioned. “Oh, that Barry! So charismatic! I thought it might be nice to offer him this opportunity for reconciliation. But then I realised, perhaps politicians weren’t the way to go.”
After taking a break from his plan to listen to two or three prayers, God considered broadening his range, looking at the “underdogs,” as he phrased it. “But I also thought about finding a lot of underdogs. So I went on the underdog search, but at the end of the day everybody sucks. The nice people just didn’t have it in them, you know?” God concluded.
Weeks behind on his search, God gave up. He decided to cancel and simply let humanity continue to suffer. In an effort to reverse the planned flood, He assured His followers in a press release on Sunday, He would continue to freeze, unfreeze, and refreeze all the snow and ice until May.
Sabrina Leung ‘18 is the Digital Editor majoring in International Relations-Political Science with a minor in History. She is best reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or @sabrinatzleung on Twitter.