Reports written in conjunction with staff and students at the Bae Pao Lu Chow Dining Hall confirmed this afternoon that the quiet girl from your HoCo has spent an entire lunch period putting together a salad. Students behind her in line estimate that at her current pace, it could take up to six years for her to finish her journey.
Equipped with only a pair of Sperry’s and a Vineyard Vines tote filled with Econ textbooks, the girl from your HoCo began her quest at 12:35 p.m. today—peak lunch hours. Everyone in line vaguely remembers her face from somewhere, but reporters from the Wellesley News have yet to locate anyone on-site who actually knows her name or class year. Standing impatiently in line, all parties present feel conflicted about calling her out, fearing that they will later realize she’s in a class or organization with them.
“I want to just be like, ‘Hey, move it!’ but I can’t be rude to her because I have to see her in HoCo tomorrow,” admitted the really loud person from your HoCo, who is currently eighth in line. Sources later confirmed that the loud person’s name is probably Maggie.
With a recognizable face but a completely forgettable name, “Maggie” has proven to be an invaluable witness, filling in several gaps about the identity of the girl from your HoCo.
“I remember from our icebreakers that her favorite ice cream flavor is mint chocolate chip, and she interned in Ireland last summer,” she confirmed.
While her reason for going to Ireland remains unclear, the girl from your HoCo has quickly become one of the most intriguing figures on campus, with several theories emerging about why she has committed to such a lengthy journey. Due to her extraordinarily slow pace, she was initially assumed to be a new piece by beloved Wellesley sculptor Tony Matelli. Although this hypothesis was disproven as soon as several people reported recognizing her, it nonetheless provided the foundation for a different theory: this slow pace is part of a larger performance art piece.
“This has to be a political statement or art or something,” explains Ava Cosden, ’16, a history major. “There’s no way anyone could think it’s acceptable to move this slowly in a crowded dining hall unless they were doing it to inconvenience people. And you have to inconvenience people to make them think. That’s what art is.”
Students have been rallying in support of the alleged art project, with upwards of 20 people waiting in a rapidly growing line.
“I think it’s about sustainability and food accessibility,” said Jordan Cohen ’18. “The fact that it’s the salad bar and not, like, the ice cream tubs is definitely crucial. She’s forcing us to understand what it’s like to not have access to fresh vegetables. It’s genius.”
But the concept of art theory has not convinced everyone in line.
“She’s just another one of those delicate waifs from the Cape who can’t pick up a goddamn tomato without inspecting it first,” reports Carrie Lueken, ‘16, from her second-place spot in line. “She’s been picking up her carrots and putting the imperfect ones back in their tub for the last five minutes.”
While Lueken was primarily concerned with eating a salad before her 1:30 class, she also expressed concern that the weight of the tongs might “break this chick’s fragile wrists.”
The Wellesley News can confirm that the girl from your HoCo is still putting her salad together—in fact, she has made her way to the broccoli, which she is tenderly lifting onto her plate one perfect floret at a time. Many reporters in the greater Boston area have attempted to obtain a quote from her, but she remains completely oblivious to her surroundings.
Photo Courtesy of Adrianna Tan ’19