As Marathon Monday approaches and Wellesley students flock to CVS to stock up on chapstick, there’s one lingering question left on students’ minds: does that runner look sort of like my dad?
Wendy Wang ’20 noted her discomfort at last year’s marathon when she cheered on runners and was often met with kisses on the cheek. While the kisses were consensual, she was unprepared for what came next.
“It was all fun and games until I looked down and saw my father’s New Balance sneakers. It was a nightmare,” Wang recalled.
She’s not alone. Many Wellesley students are hoping to enjoy the MarMon festivities but fear the inevitable moment of realizing they’re kissing someone who was alive when Kennedy was shot.
Excited to experience real college fun and scream until you lose your voice, but worried about seeing wrinkly hands that look a little too much like the ones that pushed you on the swing set? Don’t worry! We’ve got some tips for you.
1. Skip the sign.
While you may think holding a sign that says, “Kiss me, I won’t tell your wife!” is funny and original, it’ll likely attract the dads in the race. Once you open yourself up to that, you’ll never get rid of the image of your own father hauling ass through the scream tunnel surrounded by hot Wendys.
2. Don’t look at anyone directly.
Marathon runners are like strangers on the train. Don’t look at them in the eyes, or you’ll end up with a real, human interaction, or worse, eye contact that lasts more than one second. Then bam, Runner #227 is leaning in — is that Uncle Henry? Why are his lips so wet? Ew.
3. Close your eyes and picture someone else.
It’s a classic move we’re all guilty of during sex every once in a while. But hey, it works! Just close your eyes and picture your childhood crush. Personal suggestions include: David Beckham, Natalie Portman, Donald Glover or Kali Uchis!
4. Drink just enough so everyone sort of looks the same.
With enough day-drinking, everyone ends up looking pretty much the same. Too old to be running this marathon? Young enough to be in your MIT class? Chug another beer, and you won’t even know who’s who.
Follow these tips, and hopefully you’ll avoid any Freudian dilemas. Alternatively, only kiss the lady-runners and avoid thinking about your Aunt Mary while you lean in. If all else fails, stick to cheering in the back, and you’ll never have to picture your father kissing that girl in your English class who keeps making jokes about sleeping with the professor. Double Ew.