Tidying expert Marie Kondo’s recent rise to fame has resulted in the cleaning up of homes across the country. An unexpected consequence of her Netflix original show, however, has been the mass exodus of donated goods later collected and stored by the possession-obsessed.
Annie,* ’22, is one such individual affected by the tragic phenomenon.
“I just keep getting more stuff,” she wept to our reporter, clutching two hand-me-down bags scavenged from the Munger dumpster. “I can no longer move around in my bedroom.”
In addition to the bags, she brought with her a stack of statistics books (the young woman claimed she’d never taken the course), two sweaters she planned on fixing once she’d learned to sew and a half-full bag of dog food. Annie does not currently own a dog.
“Marie Kondo changed my life,” Annie whispered, “for the worse.”
The woman further claimed that each free find gives her an increasingly heroin-like high — a process the donation addict refers to as one that “sparks intense, perverse joy.”
As old, often broken items find new homes in the bedrooms of greedy college students everywhere, the collection fiends’ loved ones continue to suffer in silence. For more information on how you can help solve this issue in your community, visit the local Craigslist and take on all free donations for yourself.
*Names have been changed to protect insatiable consumers.