The Strange and Exotic Life of the Harvard Boy

Recently, there’s been a spate of campus sightings of a species with whomst Wellesley students (persona Wellesleiani) are well acquainted, but that comes back in slightly variated —but not necessarily evolved — form each fall, inviting a fresh look at their curious habits and behaviors. This species is known as the Harvard Boy (homo Harvardicus).

Harvard Boy spends most of his time in his eponymous natural habitat, Harvard University, where he adheres to a regimented diet, drawing sustenance from Anna’s Taqueria, Tasty Burger, El Jefe’s and, predominantly, HUDS (though, curiously, he often expresses dissatisfaction with the taste of food at “HUDS”, and sometimes rejects it). Though he is most comfortable nestled in “Harvard University” and its surrounding area, “Cambridge,” every fall, a not insignificant number of Boys are spotted making prolonged migrations to the nearby town of Wellesley. Regrettably, their motivations and behavior becomes much more opaque, even inexplicable, when they come into contact with persona Wellesleiani. 

Though a full understanding of the Harvard Boy may ultimately prove elusive due to their irrational, embarrassing and sometimes self-destructive ways, this cannot discourage us from further parsing his actions and using first-hand accounts to inform future generations of persona Wellesleiani in their interactions with these man-children.

Now, we will focus on the most bamboozling aspect of the Harvard Boy, which involves his romantic and sexual encounters. Numerous persona Wellesleiani have reported that attempts at copulation start, and end, when homo Havardicus achieves immediate, euphoric climax by muttering one phrase alone: “I go to Harvard, have you heard of it?” 

Disappointingly, his mating efforts tend to be incongruent with those of his partner. Harvard Boy expects persona Wellesleiani to make the trip to his stomping grounds multiple times a week, yet refuses to engage with the Local Motion, the transportation system that could take him to Wellesley. No other species on Earth exhibits such flagrant ass-hattery and it’s unclear why this behavior is observed in the homo Havardicus.

It is still unclear why a homo Harvardicus chooses this method to swoon a persona Wellesleiani, but his efforts, almost invariably, are unsuccessful. Alternative attempts at approaching the persona Wellesleiani  include mentioning the success of the parents (the words “Goldman Sachs” or “McKinsey” are often overhead in such conversations) or touting his supposed intellectual prowess (“I’ve got this great startup idea, I even got seed funding from Thiel!). In one extraordinary example, a homo Harvardicus produced no verbal cues during a mating display; instead he aggressively jabbed an identification card with his name and his habitat of Harvard University into the faces of a stunned persona Wellesleiani. This and other strategies have had little to no reported success. 

Those members of homo Harvardicus who travel to Wellesley for the annual pilgrimage of REMIX are often reported to have microscopic genitalia.