• About
  • Editorial Board
  • Advertise
  • Join Us
  • Archives
The Wellesley News -
  • News and Features
    • Four Cases of COVID-19 Reported During Winter Break
      Four Cases of COVID-19 Reported During Winter Break
    • Students With Medically Restricted Diets Struggle to Eat On Campus
      Students With Medically Restricted Diets Struggle to Eat On Campus
    • Students find new ways to celebrate Diwali
      Students find new ways to celebrate Diwali
    • News
      • News in Brief
      • Nation & World
      • President’s Corner
      • Senate Report
    • Features
      • Alumnae Spotlight
      • Eye on Science
      • Faculty Focus
      • LGBTQIA+ Column
  • Opinions
    • Wellesley, why can’t you meet our dietary needs?
      Wellesley, why can’t you meet our dietary needs?
    • The block system is a joke
      The block system is a joke
    • Spineless nonpartisanship: how the Girl Scouts convinced me they no longer care about girls
      Spineless nonpartisanship: how the Girl Scouts convinced me they no longer care about girls
    • Staff Editorial
    • Letters to the Editor
    • The Elephant in the Room
  • Arts
    • Music Performance Courses Adapt to an Altered Semester
      Music Performance Courses Adapt to an Altered Semester
    • Ben Wheatley’s adaptation of “Rebecca” fails to deliver compared to its classic counterpart
      Ben Wheatley’s adaptation of “Rebecca” fails to deliver compared to its classic counterpart
    • “Dash & Lily” Find Love, Stranded
      “Dash & Lily” Find Love, Stranded
    • Arts In The News
    • Reviews
    • Music Peek
  • Health and Wellness
    • No image
      Athletic impacts of Covid-19
    • No image
      A new kind of PE
    • No image
      Maintaining wellness as the cold sets in
    • Athlete of the Week
    • Boston Sports Update
    • The Vegan Digest
    • The SHE Corner
  • Miscellanea
    • No image
      Remote students experience existential crises; change class years in email signatures
    • President’s Column: The Butterfly Effect
      President’s Column: The Butterfly Effect
    • Your next on-campus romance isn’t going to work out
      Your next on-campus romance isn’t going to work out
    • The Artichoke
    • The Dose
    • The Olive Branch
    • Multimedia
      • Galleries
      • Infographics
      • Videos
By Cheryl Wang Miscellanea, The ArtichokeSeptember 4, 2020

Your next on-campus romance isn’t going to work out

All graphics by Eva Knaggs '22

Heartbreak is in the air this season as Wellesley students begin the process of moving back to campus for the 2020 fall semester.  Over one-fourth of student relationships are intra-campus, according to a survey conducted by the News on “W*ll*sl*y Twitter”. With strict social distancing measures as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, however, maintaining a campus relationship is harder than ever. 

For this Artichoke feature article, the Wellesley News scientifically collected eight reasons why your next on-campus romance is doomed to crash and burn:

  1. Long Distance

It’s estimated that one-half of long distance relationships will ultimately end in failure, according to various studies on the subject. Lack of communication, loneliness and uncertainty can wear down even the healthiest of relationships, say experts, and no matter how hard you try to make things right they will go terribly wrong. So if you and your significant other find yourself split between East Side and West Side this year, be prepared to cry six feet from your beau over a Grab & Go meal while your five blockmates awkwardly crowd around and hand you paper towels from the fresh new stack the administration has finally started providing in dorm bathrooms. 

  1. Time Zones

If you’re a night owl dating a crew rower, forget ever seeing them in person — texts and calls will become increasingly sporadic with your vastly different schedules. You may even be blockmates this year, but does she even exist … or was she merely a figment of your sleep-deprived madness?

  1. Jealousy

You’re not in the same block as her this year, but her “friend” Sarah is, the one she told you not to worry about when you confronted her at the beginning of the semester. So now you have you to watch across the dining hall as Sarah jokingly feeds her a bite of Joe’s fried rice on a contaminated spoon, despite this act being a blatant health hazard and therefore violation of honor code. But when you report Sarah to the Dean like the concerned Wendy you are, somehow you’re the bad guy?

  1. Political Differences

Yeah, you’re voting for Biden this election, but you just found out the person you thought was the love of your life actually supports his policies.

  1. Cultural Sssplit

Your lovely girlfriend recently changed her tagline on LinkedIn from “Econ Major at Wellesley College” to “Investment Banking Analyst”. Should you be concerned at this sudden shift? Five weeks ago, you remember her telling you that she would never support the corrupt capitalist establishment that cost millions their jobs and life savings during the Great Shutdown. When you go to question her now, she tells you she just wants to “change the sssystem from the inssside”. 

  1. Cultural Split pt. 2

You’re getting pretty sick and tired of all the unoriginal ‘snake’ jokes she won’t stop throwing at you because of your Econ minor. Never-mind that instead of achieving her dreams of being a foreign diplomat with her political science degree in twenty years, she’ll be lobbying in Congress for Big Tobacco instead. Who’s the sellout now?

  1. Cuffing Season

This September is slated to be colder than average, according to the Old Farmer’s Almanac, which means cuffing season is likely to start a month earlier than normal. You’ll both pretend this relationship means something more when you both know it won’t last past the warmer-than-average October. 

  1. Inter-rim Romance

Thanks to that infamous quote from the NYC Department of Health, as reposted by Wellesley College, your more adventurous plans have officially been cancelled and your disappointment is immeasurable. With no means for venting out your sexual frustration, you’ll have to make do with emotional intimacy instead. Schoolwork, extracurriculars, and now feelings? No thanks.

Share on

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Google +
  • LinkedIn
  • Email
Previous articleAdministrators shocked to learn that students dislike being left in dark
Next articlePresident’s Column: The Butterfly Effect

You may also like

Remote students experience existential crises; change class years in email signatures

College Government President Tatiana Ivy Moise '21 speaks at commencement. She wears a mask and a graduation robe, and stands at a podium.

President’s Column: The Butterfly Effect

Administrators shocked to learn that students dislike being left in dark

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Email Newsletter

Sign up to receive our weekly digest in your inbox

* indicates required

Top Articles

Sorry. No data so far.

Recent Tweets

Tweets by @Wellesley_News

The independent student newspaper of Wellesley College since 1901.

Sign up to receive our weekly digest in your inbox

* indicates required

  • About
  • Editorial Board
  • Advertise
  • Join Us
  • Archives
COPYRIGHT © 2021 THE WELLESLEY NEWS
Back to top