Is your mini fridge running? What’s that? It’s unionizing!
If you haven’t heard already, the gas-guzzling, smog-inducing, carbon-emitting monster machines known colloquially as mini fridges have unionized, and seek to destroy all sustainable life as we know it.
Whether you’re a lactose-intolerant ES major dearly holding on to your boujee $7 Whole Foods oat milk ice cream, a sorority girl (ahem, I mean society girl, excuse me) keeping your 24-pack of black cherry White Claws refrigerated for that mixer you’ll never have or a twice-seasonless recruited spring athlete trying to keep your daily protein shakes cool in hopes that you will one day compete again, you better watch out. Buckle your seatbelts, Wendys. Hide your extension cords, hide your wives, hide your Tinder hookups, because the mini fridges are coming for all of us.
While #minifridgegate was originally spurred by an attempt to reduce electrical energy consumption on campus, the violent retaliation from the mini fridges has left the student body shaken to its core.
Campus-wide reports have indicated that mini fridges are on the offense. These brutal uprisings have resulted in countless injuries cited from internal bleeding to the decapitation of unrefrigerated foods.
In response to these bellicose attacks from their mini fridges, some students have taken matters into their own hands by rightfully disposing of their mini fridges in Lake Waban. When Wendy Wellesley heard a noise from her fridge the night of the fifth, what she thought was her broken radiator was actually a battle-cry from her mini fridge.
“The other night I heard a screeching sound from my mini fridge. When I went over to inspect it, it started to violently hurl my food at me, bombarding me with half-eaten overnight oats. I pulled the plug as soon as I could. I thought it was over, but when I started to hear about the other attacks I dumped mine straight into the lake. I wasn’t taking any more chances,” Wendy Wellesley ’21 reported.
As of today, a whopping 69 mini fridges have been dumped into Lake Waban. So far, no efforts from the administration have been made to deal with the carcasses.
While the mini fridges have been the first to unionize, more targeted individuals are soon to follow.
“Who will be next? Is Wellesley Fresh’s red meat plotting to murder vegans in their sleep? Are the Senate Buses hatching a plan to kidnap Wellesley Students and leave them stranded at the Canadian border?” asked the Stone-Davis squatter.
In response to the divestment proposal put out by the initial group of 17, some students have suggested other sustainable methods to mitigate the cost of divestment.
“In order to offset the cost of divestment, we should just frack under the academic quad. No one is using it anyway. Fracking never hurt anyone and the quad isn’t going to retaliate the way our mini fridges have, right?” Wanda Wellesley ’24 stated.
Since the mini fridge uprising, Wanda Wellesley has created a counterproposal to the one put out by the class. In Wanda’s proposal, the divestment plan includes a carefully calculated argument for why Wellesley should frack under the “underused” academic quad. Furthermore, her plan argues that Senate buses should run every half-hour next year to make up for the lack of buses this year. Additionally, the proposal motioned for the elimination of paper towels and toilet paper in bathrooms, and outlined a system for blockmates to reserve the KSC for biweekly block bathing. Not the biweekly that means twice a week, but the biweekly that means every other week.
Regardless of your stance on the matter, it is clear that something must be done.
“The mini fridge attacks are getting out of hand,” Wanda stated. “This is the true cost of divestment.”