Wi-Fi problems got you down? Did you miss Zoom class because Wellesley Secure won’t connect and Wellesley Guest didn’t upload its vaccination card? Have you realized that your data plan is just as difficult and hard to predict as your data science degree? Are you one “connection lost” message away from snapping? Can you feel your sanity crumbling at the seams as the little wheel at the top of your Instagram feed spins and spins like an even-more-sadistic Rumplestiltskin? Don’t you just want to go apeshit?
Believe me, I’ve been there. Last week, I screeched so loudly in frustration that the geese thought I was challenging their dominance. They quickly reestablished the pecking order. But while Health Services put bandaids on all my broken bones, a representative of the administration told me all about its newest program.
The College’s IT team collaborated with the meanest girl from your high school and your family asshole to bring you Wellesley Insecure: high-speed Wi-Fi coupled with personalized criticisms of everything you’re most sensitive about. I know, I know, it sounds too good to be true. After months of playing Google Chrome’s dinosaur game, I almost cried when my webpage loaded instantly. Or maybe I cried because of the message from my grandmother telling me I need to wax my face. Either way, the internet was super fast!
I was initially worried that a massive influx of users to Wellesley Insecure would slow the internet speeds, but an IT representative assured me that this would not be the case. Not many people can handle comments like “Maybe if your boobs were bigger you wouldn’t be so lonely” every time they sign into the network, which weeds out the weak and ensures that only the most thick-skinned and deserving will use the Wi-Fi. And I certainly have thick skin! Almost rhinoceros-like, according to Amber from my high school, as Wellesley Insecure was kind enough to remind me.
And with the latest update, Wellesley Insecure now gives users the option to add others onto the network without their knowledge or consent. Do your friends have a little too much self-esteem? Do they need to be reminded of their place? Wellesley Insecure’s “share the loath” feature has you covered!
Overall, I give this network 10/10 stars, which is ten more stars than my mother gives my jokes. Make sure to sign into Wellesley Insecure today!
Note: This article was sponsored by Wellesley Insecure. Wellesley Insecure: will you little shits sign up for Willow now?