Here at the Snooze, we’ve developed a scientific process to tell whether people at this prestigious institution suffer from the affliction of being “chronically online.” From our extensive research we discovered over 99% of people at Wellesley are living with this condition.
By answering these easy questions, you too can find out if you’re chronically online!
- Do you understand the phrase “lesbian TikTok drama?”
- Do you cen$0r w0rds for the @lgorithm?
- Have you ever gotten into a Twitter fight defending your favorite artist’s flop album?
- Do you feel oppressed for your fashion choices (a stud choker you bought on Shein)?
- Do you own that dress with the strawberries on it? it’s fugly btw
- Do you use the word “discourse” to sound more woke in class discussions?
- Do you ever wish there was a subway surfers gameplay video or a Family Guy clip playing under your professor’s lecture?
- Do you say “unalived” instead of saying “killed?”
- Do you feel the need to label every outfit as an “aesthetic” or “core?”
- Do you recognize the names of Instagram accounts like on_a_downward_spiral, joan.of.arca, weirdassprettythey, neoliberalhell, or hyperpopdaily?
- Do you feel the need to use the word “mother” to express approval for female musicians?
- Did you dye the front two strands of your hair at the beginning of quarantine? (especially if it was pink.)
- Have you posted infographics on your story for a crisis in a country that you couldn’t point out on a map?
- Did you make a list of slurs that you are “allowed to use?” (be honest.)
- Are you bisexual?
If you answered yes to more than zero questions, don’t feel too scared: you have a few options. First, power off your phone. The internet can be a very dangerous place. Try to detox by going outside, taking a walk, or talking to your friends (“mutuals” or “oomfs” but IRL), but try not to use words or phrases you found online in conversations. As Peter Griffin famously said, “No! You use real words! Internet stuff is NOT real words!”
