Levels of Objectification

In honor of this year’s International Women’s Day (March 8, 2023), the Snooze has decided to participate in the objectification of women. We’re here to show you how the male gaze categorizes females into different classes of “objects” based on function and utility. 

1. Cup
   1. You’re a thing. You do a thing. You have a purpose?
2. Socks
   1. You’re a slightly more important thing, but still technically not necessary.
   2. (Interestingly, the type of men who see women as socks are the same men who wear flip-flops year-round.)
3. Book
   1. You have layers. He wants to get to know them. Fortunately, he is not very well-read, and will likely give up before the story’s climax.
4. Sandwich
   1. You’re a food! What an upgrade. This category has many subcategories. You might be an ice cream sandwich (a “sweet thang”), a panini (a “smokeshow”), or even a banh mi (an ethnically ambiguous shawty).
5. FIFA Mobile
   1. He likes you. He texts you. He might even call you. But, at the end of the day, you’re just a convenience — the other woman. He may play you more than his girlfriend, but his girlfriend’s name is Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, and he’s never breaking up with her.
6. Jordans
   1. Say it with me: Trophy. Wife. Everyone wants you but few can afford you. Just keep in mind that, though he may flaunt you proudly, you’re still going to get walked all over.
7. Dab Pen
   1. You’re a trip and a half! He will spend his entire paycheck on you… because he has a crippling weed dependency and would rather light up a joint than talk about his feelings.
8. Lamborghini Huracan
   1. If you’re his Lambo Bimbo, that means you are Scarlett Johansson. He knows that he will never have you, so he must resort to sniffing photos of you on his phone at night.
9. Mom
   1. If he sees you as his mother, you have truly made it. Becoming the new title holder for most-important-woman-in-his-life involves many great honors, such as doing his laundry and talking to him in baby voice.
   2. (You might think that a “mom” is not an object, but you would be wrong. A “mom” is a dad’s object. To avoid confusion, find out what category of object your partner’s “mom” has been sorted into. Is she a “Dab Pen Mom”? Or is she a “Socks Mom”? These are the tough questions.)
10. Fleshlight
    1. … sorry.