*This is an article from the humor section, not real news.*
Welcome back to campus! As you may have noticed, some changes have been made over the summer! Our beloved Severance Hall is completely renovated and in mint condition, and we even added the most shocking red ass carpet you’ve ever fucking seen in Tower West. But these are just the changes you’ve noticed! There’s more to come in the next year, just wait until you see the carpet we’ve chosen for tower east! Here are some renovations to look forward to:
- We will be remodeling the Lulu Chow Wang dining center, to resolve the lunch time seating crisis. Rather than add more chairs, we are opting for new standing desks that can function as tables!!. The goal here is simple: eat quicker and get to work faster. Our new standing desks beg the question, do you NEED to be eating right now? Why is rest SO important to you? Should you maybe stand the fuck up and get some work done?
- We all lived through that heatwave, and we HEARD you! Res life saw your tears and smelled your sweat, and saw those wet washcloths you slept with … So next year, when the heat inevitably strikes again, we’ve got you covered. We will be installing murphy beds in Tishman for your comfort! We know you don’t want to sleep in that 98% humidity fourth floor Tower dingle, and you don’t have to … these new 5 (five!) fold down beds will keep you comfortable and cool in the Lulu.
- You guys LOVE to talk about the environment! And boy are we sick of hearing about it… Was taking away the paper towels not enough? But we hear your pleas and we’ve got you covered. Next fall we will be introducing sustainable toilet paper! Our new reusable washcloths are biodegradable and easily cleaned, just rinse in the communal sinks after use!
- And last but not least, we will be adding MORE stairs and winding paths to Sci in Spring 2025! Our new stairs are even narrower and lead to floors you haven’t discovered yet!