One of the great shames of Wellesley College is that it is home to many a “boarding school bitch.” I must confess, I am one of said bitches. Boarding school bitches — also known as prep school pussies, WASPy wankers and spoiled little shits — are girls who come to college already prepared for the rigors of higher education. They’re the most well-dressed drug addicts you’ll ever meet, and can be identified by their designer handbags full of Juul pods and Vyvanse. Although it is so easy to hate us (our shiny hair, our tasteful dorm decor, our tight equestrian pants), please allow us a chance to explain. Our journey to college has not been an easy one.
Contrary to what one might think, it has been enormously difficult to transition to this yerba mate and gay poetry life. While we might not miss our parents much, we are going through Grey Goose withdrawal, and that is tragic. There is a disturbing lack of middle-shelf liquor at this school! In fact, there is a lack of everything: personalized vapes, casual racism, duvet sets that cost half a grand. I’ve had to sacrifice my entire high school identity to fit in. Trading in my Golden Goose Ballstars for Adidas Sambas was a more devastating loss than my secret abortion. It’s hard to believe that life could get worse than the mango pod ban of 2018, but here we are. We are stuck in socialist hell.
Given the number of furries and weebs we are forced to tolerate, you would think that this school would be cheaper. Instead, Wellesley’s administration is guzzling more money than my Revolve account. I like the chicken tinga here as much as the next person does, but tell me what’s a better deal: $90,000 for Wellesley’s granola agenda, or $60,000 for Deerfield hockey boys (cocaine included)? Do the girl math. I’d rather have prep school.
Though my glory days as a mildly popular teenager are over, I believe that this new chapter of life doesn’t have to be so bad. There is power in numbers, and if we can all agree to sleep in Roller Rabbit pajamas, peace may yet be brought to Wellesley’s campus. I hereby propose an idea for a new course — titled “Rich White Girls” — that will hopefully spark interest in my Caucasian field of study. Not only would it be an interesting anthropology credit, but this course could also count towards your lab requirement (experiments include charting your edible intake and testing CVS laxatives for efficacy). Professors, take notes.