Hi stinks! As you may have noticed, the leaves are changing color, the days are becoming shorter and your weed dependency is worsening. You know what’s coming… not you, because you’re upping your SSRIs. Here are ten things to consider as temperatures drop, your skin begins flaking off and your screen time skyrockets.
- Sibs aren’t the only ones that are sensitive to the changing temperatures! Leave those windows cracked to let your slithery friends in.
- Feeling lonely and desolate as seasonal depression sets in? Never fear – the man in the pipes will keep you company through the long winter months.
- Time to relinquish your individuality complex and break out the North Face puffer. Join the herd of gorp core sheeple as you lose your footing on those stairs to Founders.
- You’ll get bored and restless laying in bed all winter, so stir up some drama; fight with your therapist, go on a hunger strike. Make up some shit about that one bitch in class who is a little too chummy with the professor— don’t worry, it definitely won’t get back to her.
- Invest in the trustiest of steeds: a scooter. No one has time to walk around in these temperatures! You’re better off whizzing by the mundane populace, wind in your hair, leaving them aghast at your striking power display. Don’t want to store it in your cramped dingle? No worries! The hallway is your new best friend.
- Worried about tracking sludge and slightly yellowed snow into your dorm? The world is your doormat! Don’t be ashamed to walk all over people who disagree with your ways: they call us trailblazers for a reason, you know. Line those shoes up right next to your scooter, and don’t forget to shake loose snow off into the carpet — it gives the dorm a very “natural-feeling, rustic vibe” (Source: Marie Kondo).
- As my dad’s best friend used to sit me down and say (generous helping of Beefeater in hand), “Here’s the deal, kid: winter is the time for introspection.” And he was right. Consider your lifestyle choices and take up a new hobby. Personally, I’ve swapped out all verbal communication in favor of echolocation. oooOooooooOoo
- Give Health Services something to talk about! Spread mono. As Sibs go feral looking for love, you alone shall lead the pack in spreading the deadliest disease of all. Even amid single-handedly battling the raging coronavirus last year, Anthony Fauci once called it “the singular talent of the more promiscuous Wellesley sibs among us” to do just that. “It keeps me up at night, Wellesley’s propensity for mono spreading,” said Fauci to me last night, as he wistfully sat on my extra long twin size bed. I gave him some kid’s melatonin though, and luckily, he conked right out.
- Reach out and connect to those around you. Take the example of my next door neighbor, who has recently taken up having imaginary conversations with her freshman year Tinder matches. As I frequently hear her muttering through the walls, presumably to thin air: “You were the one that got away…”
- We know that dropping temperatures means rising screen time. Don’t let those 8+ hours go to waste: come out as a social justice warrior. Your Instagram infographics are changing the world, one create-mode repost of an obscure political pundit at a time. Just wait until the Albright Institute gets a load of you! I hear that just twenty more reposts will resurrect Madeleine Albright herself.
We at Res Life care about you all SO much! And just know, if you ever feel alone, an appointment with the Stone Center is only a few months away. More conveniently, just take a leave of absence. Do us a favor — don’t bum everyone out.