In a press conference last week, the White House made an effort to warn the historically well-informed and super stable citizens of America of the link between acetaminophen (brand name: Tylenol) and autism, suggesting that acetaminophen use in pregnant women may cause long-term neurological effects (a touch of ’tism) in their children. That’s not all, though. The following neurodevelopmental disorders can also be traced back to these every real origins, affecting pregnant women and their dumb, impressionable little babies: 

• Dyslexia: The consumption of Alphabet soup, the letters in your body confuse the brain of your poor child. 
• Dyscalculia: Walking by a Kumon or Mathnasium. 
• ADHD: Skipping your daily unpasteurized raw milk
• Anxiety: Being at all nervous during pregnancy. When you are with child you are a holy vessel, any stress in your body can ruin the child’s zen. 
• Synesthesia: Creativity, don’t think outside the box.
• Lesbianism: Listening to Chappel Roan, Katy Perry, or Lady Gaga. Use of cherry chapstick included.
• Redheads: Fucking a ginger 🙁
• OCD: Knowing how to use the Dewey decimal system.
• Feminism: Being a woman (who reads and also wears pants)

So beware!