Wellesley College students were surprised to find that they were unable to cross Severance Green this past Saturday as rows and rows of geese, recently voted the most vicious campus animal, blocked the pathways holding signs reading “We Take Back Our Campus.” Students crossed the picket lines and hurried around the geese despite their hisses and flapping wings of their wings.
The Wellesley geese were surprised and offended to learn about the hatred that they face at the hands of the Wellesley College students. “We just try to do our own thing, unlike the racoons that have those creepy little hands and the squirrels that take your food. Sure, we may poop all over the place, but we just want to share the space. But not anymore. We were here first and we are reclaiming this campus,” shared the lead goose of this movement.
Extra poop has been found all around campus now, not just on Severance Green. It is as if geese have been traveling on every single walking path around campus just to make it extra difficult for students to walk on. “If they can’t handle it they should just leave,” hissed the husband of the lead goose, “we knew this campus was against us as soon as they started putting in extra hills to keep us from walking around. We should have started acting then!”.
Somes students have joined the fight and sat with the geese, holding signs, and yelling at any student who tried to cross the picket lines. “I feel so bad for these poor animals. They are NOT evil. They just want to be heard! Let them have free roam of this campus!” said Mary Black ’20, “I will drop out if it means that these geese can live their best lives!”
While administration has yet to make a comment on this new situation, there are rumors that the college president will call animal control to have the geese removed rather than discuss any negotiations with them.
There are also rumors that the other animal nominees for the most vicious campus animal will join the fight. Mr. Rocky Racoon spoke to me and said “we just want to be your friends. That’s why we climb up the fire escapes and wait outside your rooms. And our hands? Perfect for holding!”.
Once again Wellesley College is divided. While it is unclear what the outcome of this protest will be, we just have to wait and see what our furry friends do and, in the meantime, avoid getting attacked by them.
