On the morning of sophomore housing selection, recently-engaged-u-hauling-lesbian couple Whitney Wellesley ’24 and her roommate and intended Winniefred Wellesley ’24 (no relation) logged onto the student housing portal in hopes of settling down for the next year in a quaint double on the west side of campus. To their shock, they found Starrez completely devoid of rooms. While they sat over FaceTime together, utterly flabbergasted, they had no idea that this housing shortage had affected tens of students in the rising sophomore class.
“Imagine going shopping on Black Friday,” Whitney said. “You race to your favorite store at the crack of dawn and find a cart with no broken rolly wheels, just to see all the shelves already cleaned out. Olivia Rodrigo was right. It is brutal out here.”
To everyone’s surprise, the Office of Residential Life has already made great strides in finding spaces for the orphaned students. Taking inspiration from Harry Potter™, Head of Residential Life Welen Hang already assigned multiple students to vacuum closets located under staircases across campus, mercilessly ripping tens of vacuums from their homes. While some students expressed concern about these closetless vacuums, Hang did her best to assuage their concerns.
“We still need some time to relocate these vacuums, but for now, res life is prioritizing the needs of the students from the Class of 2024,” Hang said.
While the vacuum closets have provided a resolution for several students, others still remain unhoused. To accommodate these students, the College plans to renovate the COVID testing cubicles. According to the fancy architect company contracted by Wellesley to minimize the student-per-square-inch ratio, each cubicle is an ideal size for a spacious upperclassmen triple. Construction on the cubicles is slated to begin in the coming months. The College has already hired another fancy architect company to help plan the cubicles’ redesign.
Some students, like Wendy Wellesley ’24, are worried that the cubicles won’t be ready in time for the fall semester.
“Given how slow the Science Center construction process has been, I have little faith that the College will be able to restore the [cubicles] in time for classes,” Wendy stated.
Other students, like Whitney and Winniefred are excited for the opportunity that the cubicles bring.
“My fiancée and I hope to secure two beds in a triple cubicle located at Lulu, so we’ll still have our west side dream,” Whitney said.
While the night is dark and full of terrors as many students still eagerly await their housing assignments, the cubicles and closets remain a beacon of hope. With construction plans in the works, and more cupid shuffling to come, the Great Housing Crisis of 2021 has certainly deserved its name.
