Hi Julianna,

The pandemic has given me a lot of time to self-reflect, and I recently discovered my interest in kink. I’m having a lot of fun, but I can’t shake the guilt and shame I feel when I think about my kinks a little too hard. It seems like nowadays some aspects of them are accepted — and even celebrated — but then there are some things I’m into (safe, sane and consensual, I promise) that feel derided and mocked. How can I continue exploring this part of me without all the embarrassment?

Sincerely, 

Kinky and Concerned

Dear Kinky and Concerned, 

First, let me say that your concerns are absolutely valid. We unfortunately still live in a society that treats sex as something taboo, to be whispered about only behind closed doors. And that is just vanilla sex! When you get into the more nuanced discussions about kink, it can be exciting and daunting to realize there is just so much out there to explore. 

Second, I want to applaud you. Self-reflection is a challenging and beautiful thing; it is also wholly necessary. We can discover all sorts of fascinating (and sometimes scary) things about ourselves. In this instance, you’ve come to learn more about your feelings and desires regarding intimacy. Feeling pleasure, desire, excitement, ecstasy… all of these things are good. You deserve to feel these things! 

I appreciate you mentioning Safe, Sane and Consensual. These words represent the backbone of the kink community. Consent is a hot topic, and should always be considered. If there is not constant and enthusiastic consent, then there is no consent! However, don’t forget the other two words: safe and sane. Just because someone may consent to a certain act doesn’t mean that it is safe or sane. If someone consents to something that would cause permanent and/or severe harm to themselves or others, that is not a safe or sane thing to consent to, and therefore should not be done. This is true of physical harm, but also of emotional or mental harm. 

Take a look at these kinks you are into and let yourself explore them. This can be with yourself, with others, or simply in fantasy (hello romance novels!). It can take time to unlearn the stigmas around sex and kink placed on us by society, but you are already doing the work! Keep at it and I truly believe you will go on to have a wonderful and fulfilling sex life!

Sincerely, 

Julianna