Dear Julianna,

I’m bisexual, and I’m attracted to all genders. Recently, though, I’ve only been open to the possibility of getting romantically involved with one gender. I’m concerned that my preferences now will make me be seen as less of a bisexual. I’m also worried that, knowing me, my preferences will change and I might want to only date another gender. I can’t help but think that might make people question my authenticity because that wasn’t always my preference. On top of all that, I’m not sure if only wanting to be involved with one gender makes me not a bisexual. How do I navigate relationships when I feel less entitled to my sexuality?

Sincerely, 

Concerned about Consistency

Dear Concerned about Consistency,

I hear you! Sexuality can be so confusing and there are so many labels and nuances and micro labels and gah! It can be so scary!

To quote the brilliant Jean Milburn from “Sex Education”, “Sexuality is fluid. Sex doesn’t make us whole. And so, how could you ever be broken?” Preferences are okay. One day, you may find yourself more attracted to blonde hair, and another day you may be very interested in brown hair, or whatever it may be. Lean into that fluidity and accept it. Everyone experiences it to a certain degree and we only make ourselves miserable trying to ignore or control it. I was madly in love with Chris Evans yesterday, but I’m more drawn to Angelina Jolie today. Does that mean I’m wrong? Or that somehow I’m no longer entitled to attraction or love or desire? No! Of course not. It just means I’m human, complete with all the quirks and oddities that come with it. 

Regardless of what word feels the most right to you, labels are simply labels. They are not for you, not really. Labels make some people feel safer, and help them to feel less confused. They help us identify with a greater community, to feel less alone. They do not define us. If a word feels wrong or limiting or stifling, get rid of it! I know that I cycled through at least five or six different labels before settling on one that felt mostly right, but even now I have trouble defining my sexuality to others in brief words. You know yourself, and will continue to learn about your own desires and preferences, and anyone who makes you feel as though you are not entitled to your own sexuality can take a long walk off a short pier in my humble opinion!

Humans are living 100+ years now, and our life spans are increasing every day. You haven’t even gone through a quarter of your life most likely. Don’t stress too much over the nuances in your sexuality, and rather find reason to celebrate them. Anyone, regardless of gender, is lucky to be caught in your sights. Don’t forget that. 

Sincerely, 

Julianna