Open meetings are over, and e-boards everywhere are checking their attendance sheets and updating their email lists. Some of those orgs really popped off, first-years spilling out the door, and we love those orgs. We do. Congratulations, you fu…n people! This article is not for you! This article is for those whose expected attendance was below margin and who only have a few meetings before SOFC is asking to see the numbers that justify the completely reasonable extra $10,000 of emergency funding you’ve requested.

Recruiting strangers has failed, and you’re desperate. It’s time to recruit your friends.

Step 1: Just Straight Up Asking

I’m assuming you’ve already tried step one, and your friends don’t have an interest in categorizing the typography of London Newspapers from 1890 to 1900. It’s time to move on to step two.

Step 2: The Power of Love

To clarify: By love, I don’t mean that ooey, gooey gunk you have for your ten-year-old cat or that sappy, short-lived shit you feel for your brand-new girlfriend. I’m talking about raw sex appeal, baby! Open a few buttons, lean forward over the dinner table and seductively whisper, “Want to join my underground fight club for ants?”

Step three: Not-bribery

Look, SOFC is very clear about the proper allocation of funding for orgs, and you will get $0 for anything billed as an “incentive.” But the end of honesty is the beginning of creativity, and I’ve compiled a whole host of ways that an intrepid treasurer can stretch the truth to the absolute breaking point to put money in the pockets of those kind enough to boost their numbers.

[Editor’s note: The rest of this section has been redacted due to multiple violations of the Wellesley Honor Code. The author is currently under investigation and has temporarily been removed as the treasurer for the envelope-licking-this-is-not-a-euphemism club.]

For more handy tips, check out my article: “It’s not technically embezzlement: the treasurer’s guide to toeing the line.”

Step 4: For Legal Reasons, This Is a Hypothetical

So, you’ve really struck out in life and made friends who will not abandon their principles for love or money. Sad. But not the end! Hypothetically, it is very easy to distract your Wellesley friends by shouting, “Oh my god, is that Alison Bechdel?” Then when they turn to look, just hit them on the head, shove them into a sustainability bin and wheel them into Tower basement. You’ll arrive just in time for the Wellesley Hates Helmets club, where they can add their voice to the discussion of how to discourage Wellesley students from wearing helmets, so it’s easier to hit them on the head and drag them to org meetings. Don’t let them leave until they’ve promised to attend again next week. Remind them you know where they live. Realize with horror that you’ve pushed way too hard, and none of your friends want to be around you anymore.

Wait, no. Cancel that last step. It will all be fine, I promise!

And hey, while I’m here, you should stop by a Snooze meeting sometime! Or else.