A piece of feces was found last Friday inside a Cazenove Hall dryer by resident Wendy Wellesley ’26.

Yep. You read that right.

Soon after Wendy’s discovery, an email was sent out to Cazenove residents by Caz RA Wanda Wellesley ’24 detailing the incident.

“A fucking piece of shit?” the email read. “Are you fucking serious? This has gone too far.”

Wanda continued on to explain that increasingly concerning things have been found around the hall. Members of res life grew from being mildly concerned about students’ hygiene to downright disgusted.

“First, it was the pee in the toilet,” Wanda told The Snooze in an interview that made us fully lose our appetites. “Then, I found a condom on the banister. It was more cum than latex. I’m serious. Then — here’s the kicker — a drunk sib threw up all over the lobby and just left the vomit there. I had to be the one to find the vomit the next day. It had started drying out.”

Wanda explained that the disgusting nature of Wellesley students’ living habits seriously needed to stop. According to her conversations with friends at other colleges, Wellesley’s dorms are somehow even worse than the dorms at MIT, and we all know that tech bros are not known for their exceptional hygiene. 

For Wendy, the experience of finding poop in the dryer was, suffice it to say, traumatizing.

“I opened the dryer, expecting to take out my fluffy, dry clothes,” Wendy said. “And then there was this, like, smelly, lumpy thing inside! And against my better judgment, I touched it! Oh God. I touched a person’s poop. Oh God, oh God, oh God.”

At this point in our interview, Wendy had a complete mental breakdown and had to be rushed to the Stone Center, where they gave her a pack of tissues and told her to toughen up.

Residents of Cazenove Hall are urged to provide members of res life with any leads on who has been causing the dorm to be one giant biohazard.