What does Wellesley mean by women’s college? Vagina. Monday, March 6, 2023, Wellesley College President Paula Johnson came out with a harsh anti-trans statement. Johnson’s email was triggered by recent support for the “Gender Ballot,” a ballot measure asking for more inclusive language in college communications, the acknowledgment of trans and non-binary applicants, and if we can please just have some they/them as a little treat because we’ve been on our best behavior. To all demands, Paula replied with a harsh no. 

Within the email, Johnson praises the nonbinary population of Wellesley who “consistently identify as women.” Among other favorites are lesbians who consistently identify as straight and your first-year roommate who consistently identifies as “someone who showers.” 

Johnson came out in direct support of the students “who are committed to Wellesley’s mission.” She even added some real-life examples of brave (female) Wellesley students who were held at gunpoint by a mob of non-binary freaks demanding they (multiple women, not a non-binary) must add the word “historically” when they tell people they go to a women’s college. This was followed by a brief anecdote about the witch hunt against JK Rowling and how much PJ loves Harry Potter. She then ended the email with some reading recommendations for “those angry dykes” including a Breitbart News article entitled “Top 10 Times Christianity Got it Right the First Go Around” and the recently released Matt Walsh documentary film “What is a Woman.”

We would like to assure our Snooze readers, however, that Paula is not doing nothing to ally with our “non-binary sisters” (PJ 2023). While coming out against the ballot measure, the administration has proposed a number of actions to increase inclusivity on campus. First, the college will continue to post pictures of campus’s most blue-haired and liberal theys directly to instagram, our website, and college brochures. The Stone Center will now be offering conversion therapy for any students who wish to remain at Wellesley in spite of recent pronoun changes. The new program advertises “Back to she/they in less than three months. She/her within a year.” Finally, Johnson pledges to clarify during the application process that Wellesley accepts women only and to “miss her with that gay shit.”