Hey Wellesley! As you may have noticed, we almost fucking died in a heatwave recently. Global warming becomes less of a hoax with each complaint about the lack of AC in dorms, so we want to do our part at Wellesley to Save Our Planet. Here are six BRAND NEW sustainability initiatives we will be launching this year!

1. Toilet Paper Recycling

Two years ago we removed paper towels from all dorms, eliminating almost all bathroom waste (that didn’t come straight out of a sib). But reduction simply isn’t enough. To hit our goal of net zero, we’ve made the executive decision to stop replenishing the toilet paper rolls effective immediately. Instead, all paper recycling bins on campus will be pooled together, then redistributed to every floor’s bathroom. The process is very straightforward: wipe, rinse, repeat! 

2. Elimination of Showers

We already successfully test ran a beta version of this initiative in TCW the first week of school! Since it was such a hit, and y’all complain about the several strands of hair that absolutely aren’t yours, we’ve taken the liberty of shutting off all pipes. Lake Waban is literally right there. Plus those weeds on the shore are nature’s loofahs. Go on. You know you want to.

3. PE Credit Available for all MIT Classes*

The Loco will be shutting down in an effort to reduce carbon emissions. Want to take Managerial Finance at MIT Sloan? You’ll get in a nice workout with a brisk 13.8 mile walk. 

4. Doc Martens Tax

We love our Docs on this campus, but let’s not forget the cows we killed for our sins. The charges for raising one cow will be added to your tuition for each pair of Docs found during room inspections. Fly high Bessie, your memory lives on in my 1460 Nappa Leather Lace Up Boots ™ 🕊️💗

5. Limiting Laundry Day to One Day a Week

Washing your clothes uses a LOT of water. Plus, now that we’ve made it free, students are abusing our generosity and mother nature by separating their lights from their colored clothes every laundry day. What once was two loads is now four … wtf you guys. Also, is it really so important that you wash something after just one or two wears? No, just ask the rugby team. If everyone stinks then no one does. We’ve opted to turn on the machines only on Sundays. Make sure you reserve a time slot!

*Please contact the PE Department for more information if you are a regular frat party attendee.