Ellen Partners with Temu for her 12 Days of Giveaways, 2023!

Raines Seeley | November 8, 2023

“Ellen is so kind!” Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

Ellen knows her audience, more specifically, she knows their budget. During her annual pre-holiday shows, they wait for hours in long lines, just to score free tickets to her tapings. But it’s not to see her, it’s for her notorious gifts, and this year Ellen is feeling insecure. She’s worried she doesn’t have any real fans left, nothing but a mob of greedy bootlickers. She wants to teach everyone that the true meaning of the holiday season is not a free luxury vacation package, it’s her! So, this winter, Ellen will only be giving out Temu products on her 12 days of giveaways. When asked about the bizarre collaboration, DeGeneres said:

“It reminds me of etsy. Carefully crafted items made by only the smallest of artisans! Plus just like Sophia Grace and Rosie, I think it’s important to help children and their careers.”

In the holiday spirit (and part of her binding contract with Temu) she released a holiday gift guide containing idea for the whole family!

For grandma: she suggests “the rose: golden edition”! I’m sure you’ve all heard about the viral rose vibrator, but Temu offers one for our silver haired shawties. Pop Pop hasn’t been around in a while and grandma’s getting up there. The rose: golden edition is a surefire way for her to go out with a bang!

For your teen daughter: Her brand new car! Not sure how it’ll show up at your doorstep,but probably with a lot of obnoxious orange packaging and packing tape

For mom:

Temu botox, do it yourself! Mom is becoming less milfy by the day, have you seen those crows feet? Time to give her the hint with Temu’s botox. A kit that comes with sterile (?) syringes, the botox itself, and a pack of wet wipes to clean up after.

(disclaimer, temu is not liable for the health of customers who choose to use this item)

For dad:

Power tools! Help him reclaim his power because your mom is making more than him. Does he want to get all that pent up energy out on a tree? Consider a handheld chainsaw. On a bush? Electric pruning shears! If you just can’t afford to send him to a rage room, consider a sledgehammer! As an add-on choose your favorite from the vast selection of breakable items on the website including: a pot planter ripping a bong, a number of ornate vases, or a hookah. If you don’t want to spend, consider your wedding china, you’re never gonna use that again!

For your new nephew or niece:

A suplome airsoft gun! Teach em early!