I would consider myself to be the ideal Wellesley girl: private preschool, public service internships, and four years of varsity high school lacrosse. After twenty years of dedication, I have come to an abrupt stop in my path to a well-salaried, middle-ranking politician with a fuck-ass bob. As a Wellesley girl, I pride myself on walking the thin line between upper-middle-class values and social media liberalism. This goes without saying, but my idol in every capacity is former President Barack Obama. An undergrad degree from Columbia (with a quick Occidental sized bump along the way) and onto Harvard Law sounds perfect to me. So, when putting together my resume, who else would I copy? Unfortunately, while I can find his GPA (3.5; I could do better than that), I can’t find his LSAT scores. I have scoured every inch of the internet, every college prep blog, and every Tucker Carlson rant. I’ve found his spelling quizzes from fifth grade and his STD panel from sophomore year. I’ve found everything from driving tests to covid tests. But IT is nowhere to be found. Presidential candidates are examined under the most extreme microscopes. Where was he born? What was his religion? What was his health care plan? What time of day does he eat breakfast? How come his daughters have lives and go outside? How many bombs did he drop in the Middle East? What songs are on his monthly playlist? What happened to that chef of his? More importantly…WHAT THE FUCK WAS HIS LSAT SCORE????????? 

God, I need a Xanax.