RuPaul has announced his upcoming candidacy in the Wellesley CG election cycle, extending his experience judging the popular show RuPaul’s Drag Race to a new position as Chief Justice of the Wellesley Honor Court.
Snooze Team: What drew you to this position?
RuPaul: Mama Ru is here to serve some serious justice realness, honey! When I heard about this gig, I knew it was time to sissy that walk right into the courtroom! I’m here to investigate and RuSearch, mama.
Snooze Team: Do you have any thoughts on last semester’s Honor Court proceedings?
RuPaul: I was gooped! Shroom selling kittens, while you impressed me with your hustling and entrepreneurial visions, your business manner left the room spinning… Selling shrooms might seem like a quick path to some paper, but trust me, the only trip you’ll be taking is a one-way ticket to expulsion city. Now, your courtroom appearance had a little too mush going on –– your colorful testimonies against each other made me think you might be spore losers. (Ru laughs) Now that’s what I call SIKE-adelic! I’ve made my decision, and in my opinion… you’re safe! Now who’s ready to sashay away from the shady deals and into the spotlight of academic excellence? Werk, my little scholars!
Students who passed the BISC 110 exams using rather unsavory means, you’re in the bottom two right now. Your mitosis didn’t keep me on my toes, sis. You could save yourself, but like cells, I think it’s best our paths divide as you sashay away.
Snooze Team: We know you are always encouraging your contestants to push the boundaries of drag. What would you change about the Honor Court?
RuPaul: Well you know what I said about reinventing the wheel! But I would RuDesign a couple things to maximize fabulousness and gag-istry… Darling, you better believe those students would be lip-syncing for their lives if the Honor Board couldn’t come to a Ru-nanimous decision. And every week would have a dragtastic theme, honey!
Snooze Team: You’re a pretty famous public figure, and you’ve been on TV for years. How would you address certain controversies about yourself? (read: fracking)
RuPaul: I blame it on the edit! (Ru leans in conspiratorially) I gotta tell ya kiddo, that’s just Tuesday morning for me! When you’ve been serving lewks and sass on TV for as long as I have, you’re bound to stir up some drama. Let’s talk about turning the Earth into a drag queen’s wig after a lip-sync battle: all shaken up and falling apart! Obviously we all have some RuGrets, darling. We all do! (Ru laughs) But remember, while they’re busy fracking, we’re busy snatching wigs and saving the planet! Let’s keep it fierce and frack-free, because we’ve got enough drama without Mother Earth joining the runway!
Snooze Team: What makes you qualified for this position, Ru? Why should Wellesley students elect you?
RuPaul: Keep your wig on! Well, first, I swear to spill the tea, the whole tea, and nothing but the tea, so help my gay ass!! (Ru cackles) You could call me a mandated RuPorter. Gag! As I said to the Hilarious Ross Matthews, Wellesley is missing a little bass in its walk, that old queen. You clearly need me, and shantay, I’ll stay!
Snooze Team: As Chief Justice, you would have to make a lot of quick, important decisions. We want you to RuLease your opinions on the following topics to show the student body what they’re voting for, honey!
- Too many packages ordered to Lulu
- Taylor Swift’s private jet
- Austin Butler in Dune
- The political and economic state of the world
RuPaul: First of all, I’m the Queen of Drag! I love glitz and glamor, not H&M chic. You can’t make glamazon out of Amazon, honey. It’s not what we do.
RuPaul: Diva! (Note: when pressed for further commentary, he turned to interviewers with a bug eyed stare, refusing to elaborate)
RuPaul: With a face like that… Honey… (Ru laughs) Elvis got his peanut butter sandwich.
RuPaul: Hot mess express! Well well well… (Ru giggles) All will be RuVealed in time. And as I always say, you better work!
