By now, we all know that Sphen, one-half of the same sex penguin power couple Sphengic (Sphen+Magic), met his untimely demise this past August. After the tragic loss of this vital community icon, queer millennials everywhere were left with a gay bird-sized hole in their hearts.
The good news is that Wellesley College has been mobilizing efforts to replace the gay penguins with…Greg!
This diva is one of our many resident geese! At first, many might be hesitant to call Greg gay, seeing as he has not explicitly disclosed his sexual orientation. However, many have noticed that Greg’s previous homoerotic undertones have turned into downright homoerotic OVERtones.
Just last week, a Wellesley student and her MIT boyfriend’s picnic was interrupted by alarming honks, a few nibbles to the hem of a skirt, and some chomps to the Adam’s apple.
We had a Linguistics major (who is taking their second queer theory class this semester) translate and analyze Greg’s squawking protests for us. They confirmed Greg was trying to communicate something to the effect of “Mama a girl behind you!”
Who can argue with that?
Greg also took a We Can Guess How Gay You Are Based On The Song You Recently Put On Your Instagram Story Buzzfeed Quiz and passed with flying rainbow colors! Who can deny Greg’s identity when he posted a Rio de Janeiro selfie to “Casual” by Chappell Roan? If you need more proof check out the 20-part TikTok series and Twitter(X) threads compiling evidence, consisting mostly of narration over slowed-down blurry videos. However, there is one HD video with crystal clear audio of Greg making extremely obscene and lewd comments towards the innocent, naive, and charming Babson men walking through campus. A man cross-registered at Wellesley told us, “I didn’t feel comfortable with what he was saying, especially considering dick is at beak level.”
Greg remains unbothered by the gaggle of adoring fans and petty haters. Instead, he chooses to lounge by the lake near the students reading niche feminist Substacks, refusing to engage in a spectacle that would commodify his sexuality. Later we were approached by Greg’s publicist, who also happens to be our translator’s current situationship, about Greg’s next steps. They are a Media Arts and Sciences major who is also taking a queer theory class this semester. While the publicist remained secretive, they did let us know that there have been plans to launch a new merch line on Etsy featuring slogans like “Honk if You’re Queer” and “This Goose Flocks” where profits will help support Greg’s upcoming book “Fowl Play: Putting Bills in Beaks.”
We received a comment from Greg’s publicist’s ex-situationship –– who made sure to register for a queer theory class next semester instead of this one –– saying they believe Greg is just a queerbaiting opportunist just looking to cash in on parasocial speculation.
There are also concerns over whether Greg’s edgy persona can market to a wider family-friendly audience. New York gay couple Roy and Silo, who are also dead penguins, were able to secure a children’s book deal, but that may not be in the cards for Greg.
No matter which side you are on, Greg’s story is just beginning. Thanks to an unnamed goose who has been placed two links away from Greg on the L Word chart by scholars of Women and Gender Studies at Wellesley, we now know he plans on auditing a queer theory class next term.
