Dear Rugby Team,
I am thrilled to be applying for the Handshake job listing of Rugby Team Manager,

As a femme bisexual recently turned lesbian, I feel overly qualified for this job. I recognize that being the Rugby Team Manager is a difficult task, requiring the ability to organize, rile up, and, in the event of a loss, tranquilize a group of 20+ lesbians, ranging from stone butch to chapstick. As president of my high school’s GSA, I have quite a bit of experience in corralling gay social rejects suddenly turned campus sex-symbols. I can also make playlists catering to the team, with a wide range in genres anything from MUNA to Chappell Roan. As for soothing the hearts of these young and spry Rosie O’Donnells –– in the improbable event of a loss –– I understand this is a job requiring versatility and creativity. As a LinkedIn-endorsed dom-femme, a power bottom, and (if need be) an occasional pillow princess, I know exactly what it takes to heal their little league softball championship loss trauma.

I have the skills required to meet everyone’s needs: the soft pocket-sized mascs, the fragile toxic masculinity mascs, the not-so-masc-still-wears-tank-tops mascs, the chapstick lesbians, the burt’s-bees-twice-a-day femmes, the I’m-closed-off-and-masc-but-actually-a-tortured-artist mascs and even the still-K95-masking-up mascs. In fact, I have ample experience transforming said still-masking-up mascs into taking-my-mask-off mascs and, like many Wellesley students, see polyamory as an inherently feminist act (I wouldn’t be opposed to being shared). As you can see, I am overqualified for the job of Rugby Team Manager.

If appointed to the position of Rugby Team Manager, I have a few suggestions for increasing school involvement and spirit surrounding Wellesley’s Rugby Team. First, I would suggest that weekly practices be moved to the academic quad at 12:35 p.m., so that as students leave class they can witness Wellesley’s Rugby Team, inspiring them to support our hard-working athletes in every way they can. Finally, I would suggest the implementation of tailgating before rugby games. This way the many femmes who come to these games can truly express their white-girl-wasted selves with signs like “Kiss me if you score and also if you don’t,” or “Let me fix your rug burn,” or “tackle me,” “pin me to the turf” or simply “screw me please.”

I have no doubt that I can apply my organization, creativity and fexibility in all aspects of life to be the best team manager the Rugby Team has ever seen.

Best,
Lick Van Dyke